Damn you Hank Steinbrenner: or How I learned to Stop Worrying and face the fact that Boston sports fans are luckier than me

More and more each day, Boston is taking over the (sports) world. And I don't like it one bit, in fact something has to give soon, right karma?

Sure, the Red Sox tortured diehard fans before... well, before they became the Yankees version 2.0. But those fans still watched the Celtics and Bruins combine for a million championships. Now they have a superteam (the Patriots) that not only are better than every other team also have the fortune of being the referee's favorite team. They got Kevin Garnet for practically nothing, got Randy Moss for basically a backup specialteamer and a case of Samuel Adams, and now they might get Johna Santana.

This cannot happen.

I understand that the Yankees rationale that they would rather keep their coveted prospects than ship them away to Minnesota for Santana. I certainly agree with that plan too, I hated seeing the Yankees throw cash to guys like Carl Pavano and Kei Igawa. But the fact that Hank Steinbrenner is apparently running the show now makes me nervous. Very Nervous.

What makes me even more nervous though is thought of Boston having a rotation that features Santana, Beckett, Schilling, and whatever stud pitching prospect they don't trade to the Twins (Clay Buchholz most likely). The Yankees would never beat this team, it would be like some sort of baseball Bizarro World where the Sox dominate and the Yankees become the punching bag between the two rivals. Rod Serling couldn't even come up with a plot as twisted as that.

So why on Earth is Hank the Tank saying that time has run out on the Santana time table and practically conceding that the Sox can have him (for a cheaper price too, now that the main competition is gone). Will he be happy when Coco Crisp (that's Coco "the worst hitter in baseball, with the stupidest name in baseball" Crisp, to you) is the centerpiece in a trade that brings the best pitcher in the world to Fenway.

I understand the timetable was to ensure that the Bombers could go after other star pitchers like Erik Bedard or Dan Harren (who are cheaper, and could turn out to be better moves in the long haul). But Santana is still young, can still be dominant (despite the fact that he let down my fantasy team last year), and would look a lot better in pinstripes then in red stirrups. Plus he brings that intimidation factor to the mound, he's a true ace that the Yanks need to matchup against Beckett. Plus, look how good the AL is now. Cleveland isn't going away anytime soon, Detroit pulled the closest to Boston with the mega trade that brought Willis and Cabrera to Motown,and the Angels always dominate New York and appear to be players on the trade market as well.

The Yankees need better pitching to compete with these powers. Phil Hughes might be great, but I can't picture him being better than Santana. Plus you can't be afraid to give up star prospects to get proven quality. My favorite recent example of this involves the Red Sox and the best farm system in the Majors, the Florida Marlins. Boston traded away All-star (and future NL MVP candidate)Hanley Ramirez to the fish. Now I'm sure they wish they still had this star at SS especially considering the rotation they've had at the position over the past few years. However, in that deal they got Beckett in return, plus the Marlins refused to make the deal unless Boston also took their aging 3rd basemen; Mike Lowell. That deal worked up pretty well for them, and who knows, the Marlins will probably trade Ramirez back to the Sox in a few years when he wants a new contact (God forbid the Marlins team payroll passes the vaunted 5 million dollar mark).

In conclusion, trade some prospects, get a star pitcher, beat Red Sox, win World Series. C'mon Hank, that shouldn't be too much to ask of you. Who knows, Santana and Joba Chamberlain could even team up together and fight crime in the streets of New York during their spare time...

- Another point I wanted to make about the luck of the Irish (in this case Boston fans) is being able to watch a team that can't lose. And I'm not talking about the New England Revolution, who were toppled by the mighty Houston Dynamo in the MLS finale.

The Patriots were outplayed by the lowly Ravens on Monday night. Willis McGahee looked like an unstoppable force and the crowd was beyond pumped to watch their team hand a "L" to the Patriots record. (This is how I thought the Bills would have played a few weeks ago, but I guess JP Losman is no AJ Feeley or Kyle Boller).

Anyway, it's apparent that someone out there really does not want the Pats to lose. Ever. For the second straight week they had a crucial touchdown, that by league rules shouldn't have been and for about the tenth straight year the refs turned around a sure Patriots loss with their ill-timed bizarre calls that destroy the Patriots opponent.

The Patriots are the best team in the league, but they way the refs continue to favor them is laughable. The smugness of that team just makes it worse. They need to suffer a heartbreaking, devastating, borderline unfair loss in the playoffs. It's the only way to set things right, to shut up arrogant non-deserving, bandwagon fans and to assure everyone that evil doesn't always win.

- Speaking of evil and classless ways, I've heard some people roast the Bills for running a play during the Sean Taylor Memorial 10-man defense play. This is ABSURD, almost as stupid as the Redskins only putting 10 people on the field for that play.

Dick Jauron and the Bills are easily one of the classiest teams in the league. In fact, sometimes they're too classy, which is why bullies can embarrass them on national TV. But why should he let a struggle offense in the middle of a Wild Card race forfeit a play to honor Taylor. I don't think that's what a player known for loving the game and playing hard no matter what (Remember when he leveled the Bills best player punter Brian Moorman in the Pro Bowl) would have wanted.

And the Redskins could have easily stopped the play,they had Fred Jackson in trouble but he burned the defenders to the outside and galloped 22 yards for a well-deserved run. The Skins had a safety deep on that play, but I still would have thrown in maybe even in flea-flicker fashion. I don't think that would disrespect the Taylor (certainly not more then Skins fans cheering during the moment of silence) and it could spark the stagnant Bills offense to make a few other plays too.

Of course, the way this game was going a TD bomb would probably have been called back due to an illegal catch, or a phantom call, since this game was eerily reminiscent of the infamous "Tedy Bruschi game" where the Bills outplayed the Pats but lost because it was determined before the game that the previously stroked out Bruschi would be Defensive Player of the Week, and therefore the Patriots must win the game. They did in questionable fashion (again) and Bruschi did indeed win Defensive Player of the week honors despite an embarrassing night on the field where ESPN had to make a new stat (number of hits) to make Bruschi look good.

It would have been a great story to see the Redskins win to honor their teammate and friend Taylor, so they got the benefit of the doubt all day. But then something happened that gave me hope that all is not lost in the sports world. The Bills overcame all this and another dreadful offensive performance and actually came out on the right side of one of these heartbreakers.

One can only hope that this means that Trent Edwards is the Bills answer to Brady, Romo all the other late round picks that become legendary, and eventually Edwards may even be able to vanquish the evil forces coming from the New England region.

Either that, or the Yankees could just trade for Santana and he can knock out Tom Brady with a fastball to the head. Hopeful thinking? Of course, but for us non-Boston sports fan that's all we have now. Hope.

Badass Bills

The goalposts are coming down tonight. The field will be stormed by triumphant (and almost certainly boozed up) Bills fans. Actually, the game still has to be played but if the Bills can follow this simple rule, then they might be on their way to the biggest upset in NFL history.

That rule? Be the badass Bills, rather than the just bad Bills that limped through the two teams Week 3 debacle.

This means play with an edge, play like they're pissed off that everybody has already anointed the Pats as a 19-0 Super-Champion, the greatest of all time.

Forget that.

It's time for sweet revenge.

That's right, revenge for all those games that dubious, biased officiating aided the Pats to victory, revenge for the "Teddy Bruschi Game", revenge for the cheap shot on Losman earlier in the year and revenge just for being an pompous, no-class organization.

After the last time these two squads met I wanted desperately for Dick Jauron to sucker-punch Belichick during the post-game handshake. He deserves it, in fact I would start a fund to see an NFL person do this. How does www.suckerpunchbelichick.org sound?

Seriously, these guys do deserve a taste of their own chowder so to speak (a cheap shot for a cheap shot, eye for an eye), but that's not what it means to be the bad ass Bills.

Mainly it means to ditch this conservative gameplan that has been maddening to watch at times (are you listening Fairchild?). This doesn't mean to play stupid and take unnecessary risks, just open a the play book, and get the ball in the hands of the playmakers. Do some flea-flickers, some reverses, creative blitzes to take out Brady. I know, easier said then done, but it's still key especially with Lynch doubtful.

Of course, that's brings up another badass point. What would pump a Labatt-fueled, towel-waving crowd more than Lynch doing his best Willis Reed imitation and taking the field against silver and white clad Goliaths. Nothing would delight me more than a Marshawn Lynch stiff-arm punch to the face Tedy Bruschi, any blood or a possible busted face for the Pats linebacker "hero" would be a nice bonus.

Anyway you look at it, this is a colossal task for Buffalo. I mean when has a surging team that's won four in a row, been nearly perfect at home (damn you heart-breaking losses to Denver and Dallas) be 15.5 point underdogs. To make matters worse the league decided to make a pair of die-hard Patriot fans members of the chain gang this game. That's right fellow Bills fans, you should feel comfortable knowing that a crucial 4th and inches will be in the hands of two die-hard New England fans who are "glad to be part of history."

That's right, everyone has already gave these guys the Vince Lombardi trophy and a spot in the history books. You just know the league wants them to be undefeated going in to a Super Bowl match-up against Dallas or Green Bay (ooh....in Favre's finale nonetheless). They would be able to charge a billion dollars per 30-second spot during that game.

You know what, maybe know one can stop the Patriots from winning another title, they've certainly looked like the best team this league has seen in a while. But they're not undefeated yet, and I think some people might be surprised what this amped-up crowd can do for the Bills.

They were close from pulling off the shocker against Dallas, and this time there might not be any heartbreak, well unless you're a Pats fan. Pipe dream or not, you have to admit one thing... that sure would be badass.

One Year ago....

Riding the Pine sports/entertainment column made it's debut in the September 2006, Volume 6 Issue 1 of the Cardinal Courier. The debut column was called Forecast 2006 and featured some predictions of mine. Since I've had a mixed bag on my prognostications (mostly way off and off to a bad start in the NFL column), I've decided to re-visit my first column and evaluate my guesses.

Enjoy:

If you plan on heading to Vegas anytime before the end of the year, make sure you read this first. That’s because I’m going to give you my surefire predictions from now until January 1st. I hope no one made a spur of the moment Vegas trip with this column in mind. But if you did win money, that is one thing that I'm in need of.

- October will generate a number of fall classics, along with a few surprises. The Detroit Tigers will be the 2006 version of last year’s champion, the Chicago White Sox. They’ll weather a tough stretch at the end of the season but still fight of the Twins and White Sox for the AL Central Crown. They won’t stop there.
Strong pitching, led by rookie Justin Verlander, a solid line-up and savvy manager Jim Leyland will help them to edge out the New York Yankees, and AL MVP Derek Jeter, in a historic seven game ALCS (no bias here, I’m a Yankees fan).
The Mets will cruise threw the National League as expected. But with their chances of winning a subway series dashed the Mets will fall victim to the upstart Tigers. (And Detroit fans can temporarily forget the ineptitude of the Lions, and the postseason collapse of the Red Wings and Pistons.)
I was wrong here, but generally not too far off. The Tigers did upset the Yanks (only in the ALDS) and were the favorite over a team that upset the Mets. However, the Fall Classic failed to live up to it's prestigious billing as the Cardinals became the most unlikely of Champions since the 2001 Patriots (and hopefully neither team cheated their way to victory).

- The Buffalo Bills will exceed preseason expectations, finishing with a respectable 8-8 record. However, they’ll lose several close games as the result of bizarre officiating decisions. Meanwhile, The Philadelphia Eagles will be the biggest surprise in the NFL. The Eagles will win the NFC East, but they’re not invincible and won’t advance far in the postseason.
Wow, I really know that team from Buffalo. They finished strong, and were on pace to hit my predicted 8-8 when they split their first 14 games, before eventually losing the final two. And there was plenty of bizarre officiating circumstances that took a way victory for the Bills (especially in the opener against... who else, the patriots). I was also right about the Eagles (except no mention of Jeff Garcia).

- Barry Bonds and Terrell Owens will team together and form their own cable station where they talk about Bonds and Owens 24/7. They will call it ESPN.
I still like this joke, and it's still appropriate. Just throw in the names Mike Vick and Bill Belichick too.

- The Buffalo Sabres will overcome an average start and have one of the top records in the NHL before the all-star break.
The Sabres did have the top record, but they got off to a blazing start and didn't cool off until the Eastern Conference Finals.- People will tune into NASCAR to see where Ricky Bobby resides in the standings.

- Ohio State and Auburn will battle for college supremacy in the BCS Championship Game. The game will feature Heisman winner Troy Smith, but it won’t be the spectacle that last year’s USC/Texas game was.
Smith won the Heisman, Ohio State got pummeled by Florida, and I was drunk by halftime of this game.

- Emmitt Smith will fulfill his life long dream of competing on Dancing With The Stars, but ultimately he will fumble away the title of dancing champion to A.C. Slater. Luckily for Emmitt this will open the door for him to appear in other reality programs such as Laguna Beach and Nanny 911.
Haha, did Emmitt win Dancing With the Stars? Does anyone care? And does Emmitt care that he was seen on national television prancing around in a pink shirt?

- Roger Federer will continue to dominate men’s tennis, and Maria Sharapova will continue to make all her matches a must-see event.
Yep, Federer is still dominant (but come on, that was an easy one to guess), and Ms. Sharapova is still fun to watch (if you know what I mean...)

- Scott Pukos will win the title of St. John Fisher racquetball champion; unfortunately, he will later be stripped of the title after it’s discovered that he attended a luncheon held by Floyd Landis and Marion Jones
My favorite part of the column, and yes I am the racquetball champion and I decided to skip the luncheon with Landis and Jones and instead I went to a brunch sponsored by Rodney Harrison and Rick Ankiel (the HGH breakfast burritos were great, by the way).

Riding the Pine: Pirate Edition

Ahoy matties, did you know that today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day?
It's true, everyone in the world is talking like a pirate today, and if you're not they you my be walking the plank soon.

According to the always handy Wikipedia, this holiday was actually invented in 1995 by John Baur and Mark Summers as an inside joke and became nationally (and internationally) known thanks to the promotion of humor columnist Dave Berry in 2002.

And personally, I think it's a great idea. Who doesn't love pirates? They're fun, they do what they want, they rule the seas, they can be villains or they can be heroes. They can even get Johnny Depp an Academy Award nomination.

Sports has a few Pirate organizations (Pittsburgh Pirates, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Oakland Raider fans) and a few swashbuckling personalities. The baseball pirates have been drowning in mediocrity for about 15 years now (or ever since Barry Bonds left for the bay to become one of the most notorious, and notoriously hated, figures in baseball history). Ever since their Super Bowl Appearance in early 2003, The Bucs and Raiders have had their ships riddled by cannon sized problems too, not to mention a flurry of losses.

A tough, scrappy, never-say-die player is a pirate of sports. I could see gunslingers like Brett Favre or Kenny Stabler as pirates if they were born in the right era. Or what about some of the big maulers along the offensive or defensive line, like Mean Joe Greene or the Sam Adams, they would make some mean pirates.

And of course, you need a Captain Hook, pirate villain in sports. I think this villain is in the NFL as well. A often shrouded, secret-hoarding man, who cheats to get what he wants with the vigor that could only be pulled off by the most vile of pirates. And (for the most part) gets away with it.

Bill Belichick, you are Captain Hook. A technical savvy pirate, who is well versed in lying. And even though he is losing a portion of his treasure (a hefty fine and 1st round draft choice) he still gets to roam the sea and pillage other NFL ships.

It seems weird that a Patriot would have to use the way of the pirate to win, but in today's world, you win at any costs. I've always suspected the Patriots were cheating some how but my jealous delusions were mostly fixated on the fact that the referees could be accomplices to this villainous regime. Instead, Captain Belicheat sailed around the rulebook and used the aid of his trusty parrot (camera man)to steal team's signs.

After all, it is easy to attack someone when you know where their going to be. Ah yes, Davy Jones would be proud (or would New England owner Robert Kraft be Davy Jones in this pirate analogy?).

So the only question left is: who is going to be the Peter Pan/Orlando Bloom figure to take down Captain Belicheat and sink his ship of swines for good?

We know the affable Peyton Manning is up to the task (and for that matter Commissioner/Commodore Goodell isn't quite up to the task), and what about the beleaguered J.P. Losman and a desperate Buffalo Bills club on Sunday? With the hype surrounding the greatness of the Pats and the supposed dire situation in Buffalo, an epic upset could be in order, and this upset could the first push down the plank this merry band of victory thieves.

Now let me forget about sports for a second, and celebrate this holiday with a bottle of rum.

The Official 2007 Riding the Pine NFL Preview

There's nothing like NFL football. When I was younger, a new NFL season met new hope for my favorite team, dominant, star-laden Bills team. It met the virtual Bills winning another Tecmo Super Bowl, with the unnamed RB #34 zig-zagging past the speedy 49ers defense.

In college a new NFL season meant waking up hungover Sunday around newish, hitting up brunch (gotta love the omelet bar) and lounging around all day watching football (and berating the refs for screwing over Buffalo on most Sundays).

Now, I'm not quite sure what a new season of football when have in store for me, or any of the other millions of NFL fans. One good thing, it brings hopes to all cities that their team can be the 99 Rams, the 00 Patriots, 03 Bucs, or any other team to explode out of nowhere and end the season on top of the world.

The wait is now over, and just for fun here are my picks for this season. Who knows, there may even be another underdog that baffles the pundits and wins the Championship...

AFC EAST
predicted order:
1. New England Patriots
2. Buffalo Bills
3. New York Jets
4. Miami Dolphins

I can't stand Brady, I can't stand Brusci, I can't stand Belichick, I can't stand any thing about the what the Patriots have become. I miss the days where they were the laughingstock of the league, 2 guaranteed victories (although rarely easy) for the Bills and I miss their comical red uniforms and goofy Patriot Pat logo.

Now they're perceived as a classy team just because they win a lot. There's no doubt that they're great and with a big free agent spending spree (and several crafty trades as well) the Pats will be good again. But there's not much classy about this organization. Nearly everytime I watch them, they're taunting opponents after victory, crying about the refs after losing (which is pretty ironic considering how many wins they have collected over the years with assistance from dubious officiating), and delivering cheap shots.

But none of that matters, as long as they have Brady and Belichick, then they will be a postseason threat - and unfortunately the frontrunners in the AFC East. However, they are without two key cogs in the defense (Harrison and Seymour) for the first quarter of the season and they're schedule is also somewhat difficult. They'll still win 11 or 12 games, but won't be the near perfect juggernaut that some people may think.

As for the rest of the division, the Bills were better than the Jets last year, but New York's schedule was considerably easier. New Jersey (oops, I mean New York) will be better this year and will be head-to-head with my Bills all year long. I think this is the year that Losman out plays the quarterbacks in Miami and New York and that will be enough to boost this young talented roster to second in the division and even be in the wildcard hunt.

Of course, the Bills are one of the teams that are the hardest to predict. The speedy defense could be a ball-hawking unit that gives up some yardage but always comes through in the clutch, or they could be a group of undersized youngsters that get ran all over and keep the equally unpredictable offense of the field. I say "equally unpredictable offense" because nobody knows how much improvement has been made by this year's version of the offensive line. That could make-or-break the rookie season of talented Cal back Marshawn Lynch. I think Lee Evans (and maybe Jason Peters or Derrick Dockery) will make the Pro Bowl and Losman's season will start buzz that he could be a top ten QB and a future Pro Bowler in the Quarterback loaded AFC.

The one constant in Buffalo is that the special teams will be awesome, Moorman is a legend at the punting position and this unit could be responsible for some extra wins and maybe even a few upsets. I just hope that coach Jauron will take a page from the book of Special teams coach Bobby April and play lay off the conservative stuff for some more aggressive and creative options.

I'm thinking 8-8 or 9-7 for the Bills, but since I'm optimistic, I'll send some positive karma to Orchard Park and predict a 9-7 finish for the Bills and a shot at breaking the playoff drought.

As for the Dolphins, they're going to be bad this year. I'll leave it at that.

AFC North
predicted order:
1. Pittsburgh Steelers
2. Baltimore Ravens
3. Cincinnati Bengals
4. Cleveland Browns

The Steelers will surprise this year with a new coach, but the same winning formula: a bonecrunching defense and a solid running game. Big Ben may be slightly overrated (he played horrible in Super Bowl XL and most of last year), but I still believe he's a good quarterback and with solid talent around him he has shown he can win some games.

The Ravens will still have a great defense and will be a tough game on anyone's schedule. But I don't see enough offensive talent for the to continue to be in the same stratosphere as the Big 3 (Colts, Pats, Chargers). Their McOffense, led by McNair and McGahee does not have enough skill to repeat their great season from last year.

The Bengals will be competitive in the division as well, in fact this is a division race that may go down to the final weeks. I could see them finishing with the same record as Baltimore even, but falling to 3rd in the division via the tiebreaker. And the Browns will struggle. I'm hoping that the young nucleus of this team will eventually ripen and turn let Cleveland out of their spot at the top of the draft every year. They will play at a Miami level this year though (which isn't good). But who knows maybe Brady Quinn will turn out to be the QB of the future and will make the citizens of Miami pull a Dexter on new coach Cam Cameron (by the way, Dexter is a great show).

AFC South
predicted order:
1. Indianapolis Colts
2. Houston Texans
3. Jacksonville Jaguars
4. Tennessee Titans

The Colts will dominate, the rest of the division is a toss-up. The Texans have a solid defense and I like their coach so I think they will surprise and finish around 7-9. Jacksonville will take a huge step down and so will the Titans. They'll both have similar records to Houston but none of them will make the playoffs. I really like the tandem of Vince Young and Jeff Fisher and I hate slating them to be last in the division (especially since they played so well against the Bills last year) but I think the overall talent in Nashville isn't sufficient enough to win enough games in this league.

AFC West
predicted order:
1. San Diego Chargers
2. Denver Broncos
3. Oakland Raiders
4. Kansas City Chiefs

The coaching changes in Bolt-land make me nervous, but there's enough talent their to win a Super Bowl. And with the will of players like Tomlinson and Merriman (even if he's not as good as the Steroid Shawne version) could lead to the unthinkable headline: Norv Turner Coaches Chargers to First Super Bowl Victory.

The Broncos will be good again, but will still have to fight for a playoff spot (and will eventually be doomed by their opening day loss to Buffalo?)

Both Oakland and Kansas City appear to be a mess. Poor Lane Kiffin. Poor Larry Johnson.

NFC East
predicted order:
1. Philadelphia Eagles
2. Dallas Cowboys
3. Washington Redskins
4. New York Giants

I don't get what everyone has against Donovon McNabb these days. He'll shut them up this year when he leads a talented Eagles squad back to the Super Bowl.

Dallas will be a streaky team, at times looking like a great team, and at times losing to teams that they should stampede over. In the end, they will fail to meet some lofty expectations and T.O. will blame everyone but himself and either a)star in a ESPN reality show or b) write a crappy egocentric book, in the offseason.

Speaking of failing to meet expectations, this will be the last years coaching in their respective cities for Tom Coughlin and Hall-of-Famer Joe Gibbs.

NFC North
predicted order:
1. Chicago Bears
2. Minnesota Vikings
3. Detroit Lions
4. Green Bay Packers

The Bears won't be as good as last year, but will still dominate the division. The Vikings will win despite some shaky play from Jackson (but will be boosted by super rookie Adrian Peterson) and the Lions and Packers will struggle. Maybe Detroit will even be prompted to extend Matt Millen's contract since that seems to be the tradition after each crappy season his teams have.

NFC South
predicted order:
1. New Orleans Saints
2. Carolina Panthers
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
4. Atlanta Falcons

The Saints will come out on top of the worst division in football. The Saints could go deep into the playoffs again, but I've been surprised to see so many people pick them to not only make it to the Super Bowl, but win it too. They're not that good, and I though that even before Thursday's 41-10 drubbing.

Last years trendy Super Bowl team, the Panthers, will miss the playoffs again this year. I thought Jake Delhomme outplayed Tom Brady in Super Bowl XXXVIII (and that's not a knock against the game's MVP), but he's clearly not the same guy now. He's probably not any better than backup David Carr at this point.

The Bucs could have as many QBs on their roster as wins (4), and the Falcons have Joey Harrington as their starting QB and the lingering effects of Michael Vick's disgusting acts against them.

On a somewhat side note, I recently finished reading A Confederacy of Dunces (a great read), and I thought that would be a great group name for athletes like Vick and (Ms.) Pacman Jones. For example, "wow did you see that Vick got sentenced to five years in prison and was inducted into the Confederacy of Dunces, NFL version. I think it would be fitting for Vick to have to wear a dunce cap around, and occasionally that same dunce cap would be filled with dog feces first (courtesy of the karma police). And my collection of dunces would also include Leonard Little, who is inexplicably still allowed to play football, even though he is responsible for ending someone's life. How can someone feel right about employing that guy, or rooting for him?

Anyway, now that that tangent is over on to the last remaining division:

NFC West
predicted order:
1. Seattle Seahawks
2. St. Louis Rams
3. San Francisco 49ers
4. Arizona Cardinals

This will be another competitive division. Seattle remains the best of the bunch, St. Louis will benefit from an MVP-type season from Steven Jackson, the Niners will be average. They'll show glimpses of taking it to the next level, but everybodys chic pick will disappoint in the end.

Matt Leinart will put up great numbers, he might even sneak into the Pro Bowl. But that won't translate to wins, the Cardinals are a far cry from USC, sorry.

AFC Wildcard teams:
Ravens
Bills (I couldn't resist, besides they need someone to have a little faith in them, they'll be this year's version of last year's Jets...only a little better)

NFC Wildcard teams:
1. Cowboys
2. Rams

Offensive Rookie of the Year:
Adrian Peterson (Lynch will still have an impressive year but won't take home this prize)

Defensive Rookie of the Year:
Paul Posluszny (he will be a tackling machine and an instant fan favorite)

MVP:
Peyton Manning (a boring pick, but he's too good and the Colts are too good. Plus I would make myself sick to the stomach if I picked Brady here)

Super Bowl: San Diego Chargers over Philadelphia Eagles (the heads of analysts everywhere explodes as Norv Turner does the impossible and gets the better of his coaching counterparts named Belichick, Dungy, Billick, Shanahan and Reid).


No matter what happens on opening Sunday it should be a great day. And even if the Bills lose, at least I can still laugh at the end of the day thanks to another grand return: the return of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

And as Larry David would say, this season should be prettay, prettay, prettay, good.

Ready for some football (and lots of beer too)

My NFL preview has been delayed due to work and lack of time on a computer, however, I haven't forgotten the big game tonight and I'm here to make an educated guess on how the season will start.

This should be a good game between two teams that some people say could meet again at the end of the year in Super Bowl XLII (or Super Bowl 42 to the Willis McGahee's of the world trying to decipher the Roman Numerals).

I'm not one of those people.

In fact, I don't have Indy, New Orleans, New England, Chicago or Dallas going to the Super Bowl. But I'll save my pick for the next column(I'll give hint though, it features a suffering fanbase losing to another to a team that will win their first Super Bowl).

As for tonight, I've got to go with the defending champs, Peyton Manning and the Colts. I was even tempting to pick the Colts as repeat champions, if any team can overcome a loaded conference and questionable defense it's Indy and their affable quarterback.

I think they will demonstrate that the AFC still reigns as the premier conference by defeating a very skilled Saints team. There's no question that the Saints are fun to watch (Brees, Bush, Colston) and easy to root for (everyone will continue to rally around New Orleans). And their coach Sean Payton is a perfect fit for the team, it's certainly an interesting coaching matchup between the offensive scientist Payton and the defensive minded, best-selling author Dungy. While Dungy still has a slight edge (based on experience), I would still take Payton over another sophomore head coach, the over-rated Eric Mangini (and I will forever loathe whoever dubbed him the "Mangenius").

Anyway, only 10 minutes until game time and I still have to run out and by some beer, so my prediction: Colts 28 Saints 22

NFL Preview .... Coming Soon

Thursday marks the beginning of another NFL Season, which means another chance for the Buffalo Bills to shock the world and capture Vince Lombardi's Trophy.

So, am I predicting the unthinkable, do I actually think the rookie-laden squad of young Bills can claim sport's ultimate prize?

Well, I'll disclose that in my NFL Preview, which should be posted sometime before the Colts-Saints kick off the season Thursday night. I'll tell you on thing though, my Super Bowl pick does not include the popular pick of Patriots-Saints, I don't think either will get to the Bowl.

Also included in the preview, I'll put down my guesses for each division, awards, the great teams, the bad teams and the teams that everyone thinks will be good, but will suck.

And of course, there will be bonus material, including the beginning of a new era in Pittsburgh, not the Mike Tomlin era. The Steely McBeam era. Yes, it's true one of the most crazed mascots ever was in existence to make the cut in my mascot column in April, but just look at the picture of this guy. He makes the rabid Spurs mascot look like Mickey Mouse. Furthermore, if Steely becomes the first mascot to go on a murderous Grand Theft Auto type rampage because of his Cowher-esque chin and homoerotic name, then I don't tell you that I didn't warn you.

So make sure to check out the upcoming preview, and remember: if Appalachian St. can beat Michigan in the Big House, then why can't an underdog (like the Bills), win the Super Bowl?

I guess that's why they play the games.

Barry Bonds: MLB Homerun King?

I don't know if it was sheer curiosity or the fact that I for some reason should witness history, but I tuned in tonight to ESPN 2 to watch the Barry Bonds Show (and that's what it is because the Giants and Nats are two putrid teams to watch).

And this is an historic night, either way you look at it. Baseball is driven by the long ball and the homerun record isn't exactly broken every year. Plus, it's a historic night for cheaters as well. I mean, is there anyone out there who thinks Bonds is the true homerun king? That he never used steroids? Even the fans that pack AT&T park every night in San Fran can't be naive enough to think that their hero is a natural specimen. Probably Bonds own family (wife, son, even Godfather Willie Mays) must have their doubts.

I don't want to dwell on these issues (should there be an asterisk, how much has performance-enhancers helped Bonds out,etc.) too much since they've been written about millions of times, instead I want to comment one the spectacle that proceeded Bonds blast off poor Mike Bacsik. Interestingly enough, at the time I was reading a book called Blink by Malcolm Gladwell while I was waiting for Bonds' at bats. The book is about "the power of thinking without thinking," and details the split decisions and initial reactions that we make.
So, I tried to recall the first thing I thought when I saw the ball explode off the bat and Bonds raised his hands triumphantly.

My thoughts were strangely hollow, considering this should have been an epic MLB moment. I was glad it was over with, mainly so the spotlight can turn away from Bonds. I really wished that he would have hit this homer on the road (although everyone knew it would come in San Fran). A road's crowd reaction would have been priceless, a magnified chorus of mixed boos and embarrassed cheers that filled the air in San Diego when Barry tied the record.

After a few minutes of the nauseating firework display and countless shots of Bonds pointing to the sky, I was wishing that ESPN would show the replay of the scrum in the right field bleachers. That was an interesting facet of this story, who managed to wrangle this ball, which was essentially a nicely stitched orb of thousands of dollars, from dozens of other crazed people? What would become of this guy? Oh, and wouldn't it be funny if the person who got this ball was someone who wasn't even a Giants fan, someone who loathed Barry Bonds? Tell me that wouldn't make a great ESPN miniseries in 2017.

I also wish there was a camera in Bud Selig's house to document his reaction. I imagine him in a dark room with the curtains pulled down, empty beer bottles spread across the floor, with him going over how he was going to address the media about this, until he was mumbling to himself like Jack Nicholson is The Shining. Eventually he would fall asleep crying, using the pages from Jose Canseco's newest book as Kleenex.

Sad. But priceless nonetheless (and I think Selig has done a good job, certainly better than Bettman, this is just a tough spot for him to be in).

And what was Hank Aaron doing on the jumbotron congratulating Bonds? He may have figured that one day his record would be broken, but come on, not this way. I would get made if someone beat my high score in Frogger simply because they found a glitch in the game and used that loophole to topple my record, so how could he not be infuriated that this big-headed jerk broke one of the most hallowed records ever by injecting some steroids into his ass?

Furthermore, I could have done without hearing Bonds thank everyone and being cheered like a hero. If I'm a member of the Nationals, then I don't know if I would want Barry to thank me after hitting that ball. As of right now, 1AM Eastern Time, the Nats are winning 8-6, and I would love to see them win this game. Of course, Bonds doesn't care, he decided leaving the game to yet another curtain call is more important then winning.

Putting himself ahead of the team again, what a hero.

While he was thanking everyone, he even mentioned that he would remember this day for the rest of his life. Now, I'm not a fan of the guy and I don't wish him any ill will. But the sad truth is "the rest of his life" may not be that longer. Yeah, Barry, sorry but these things called steroids have some side effects too.

Hopefully, this won't end in anything tragic like that. Hopefully someone like A-Rod, Pujols, Miguel Cabrera or even some unknown prodigy (Ryan Braun?) will someday break the record by using nothing more than a wooden bat and their God-given talent. But for now the record books will state that Barry Lamar Bonds is the home run king. I can't help but wonder why a guy who has the talent to be a first-ballot Hall of Famer without any help (like Bonds), would be compelled to tarnish how he is remembered by messing with steroids. I mean what is better, to be know as one of the all-time great players that can do everything well or as a guy who is known in the record books as the greatest power-hitter but also who's name has become synonymous with cheating?

Now, I read something in the D&C the other day that I liked, it was a quote from a blog and it stated that instead of an asterisk next to the record, there should be a question mark. The symbol that is the very definition of uncertainty and doubt. I like that idea, everywhere that displays the records should always read:

Barry Bonds, All-time Homerun Leader ?

All hail the 'Thurmanator'

"If it is to be, than it's up to me" - Thurman Thomas

Yesterday my all-time favorite NFL player was inducted in to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Thurman Thomas, to me is everything great about the sport and about the Buffalo Bills.

The first NFL game I ever watched was the Greatest Comeback playoff game against gunner Warren Moon and the behemoths dressed in white and powder blue known as the Houston Oilers. Sure, I watched other Bills games before that, my dad is a huge fan too and I remember the jubilation's of the Bills pulverizing the Raiders to reach their first Super Bowl. And I remember the heartbreak having the Vince Lombardi trophy being kicked out of our hands and fall in to the lap of some guy who inexplicably likes to be called Tuna. Still, I was only in Kindergarten for that game, I was in bed long before shoddy tackling and one infamous kick would deflate the spirits of an entire region.

It wasn't until the Bills stunned the Oilers that I really watched a game, and by watched i just don't mean physically watch it (I had done that before), but to pout my heart into the Bills - and become a true fan of the Red, White and Blue team from Orchard Park. I knew all the Bills were - I knew the legendary QB Jim Kelly, his equally legendary back-up Frank Reich, I knew Bruce, Andre, Tasker, Talley, Odoms, I even knew lesser known players like Carwell Gardener who happened to be one of several Bills who came to my tiny school in York, New York to play the faculty in a charity basketball game. And I already knew who my favorite player was - the Thurmanator.

Of course, I didn't even realize how lucky I was to be able to watch the comeback - the game was blacked out locally, but we had a satellite dish and were able to watch it. My Uncle left at half time (only to make a grand reappearance in the 4th after stopping in a gas station and hearing the seemingly miraculous close score). I never stopped watching, I should have given up and went and played with my Ninja Turtles instead or went and played outside. But I couldn't leave, I just couldn't do it, even though the star QB was out and my favorite player was hurt as well. And in the end, myself and the rest of the faithful Bills nation were rewarded (on that day anyway) with a game that is unmatched in the history of football.

Anyway, my point is that when I think about how much i love the NFL and the Bills I think of this great team, their heyday, and I think about Thurman Thomas.

Thomas should have made it to the Hall last year, in his first year of eligibility, yet he was snubbed again. Apparently the voters had stayed up all night watching tapes of the Greatest Comeback and determined that Warren Moon was more worthy. In my book, not many players are more worth than Thomas and I'm not just saying that because I'm not just saying that because I'm a member of Thurmanator fan club (this was a real fan club that I became a member in when I was a kid, I got a autographed picture, an awesome T-shirt that donned his slogan: "If it is to be, than it's up to me", a keychain and a water bottle). In my mind, he ranks with Barry Sanders and Emmitt Smith as the premier ballcarriers of that era.

Watching his highlights this weekend was simply great. This guy could do things that can only be described as awesome. He was as versatile as Jack White and helped to revolutionize the running back position, thus opening the door for talents like Marshall Faulk and LaDanian Tomlinson. Watching the highlight of Thurman slicing through the G-men's defense in Super Bowl XXV was especially moving. It showed the best of this great player and made the "what if..." button in my brain explode. Thomas should have been the MVP of that game, regardless of where that one kick landed.

It wasn't always good for Thurman, he had some moments that were certainly not worthy of his great talent. The lost helmet (which I'm glad he could joke about during his acceptance speech), the Super Bowl fumbles, becoming a Dolphin (If I ever master the art of time travel and I'll make sure this doesn't happen so we can all be spares the image of number 34 in teal and orange).

He was definitely a character, and he learned to love the city of Buffalo. He still bonds with us, the fans, roots for the Sabres and even asked Bills legend Marv Levy to introduce him in Canton. And this got me thinking about another running back with character, something to prove, and the ability to run, catch and block: Marshawn Lynch.

When Thomas was drafted the Bills desperately needed a tailback, and he had a strong rookie campaign that allowed a young team make the playoffs for the first time in seven years and he helped to jumpstart a dynasty. I think I see some parallels with Mr. Lynch. The Bills haven't made the playoffs in seven years and have a young, promising roster that is led by Marv Levy. To imply that Lynch will be as great as the 1991 League MVP is a stretch to say right now, but it's a nice thing to think about. It gives us fans something we always strive for - hope. Hope that out team will someday reach the Ultimate Football Nirvana.

But for now we at least have those proud memories of a team that truly is one of the most remarkable in sporting history, and we can all remember fondly the greatest running back ever to suit up for the Bills - Thermal, the Thurmator, #34 Thurman Thomas.

Late Birthday Wishes

As you may have noticed from the update in my profile, my birthday was Thursday July 19th (gifts can be mailed to my home in Leicester). As I blew out the candles on my cookie cake (a very underrated cake by the way, I made several wishes. Here they are in no particular order:

A championship from one of my favorite teams (Bills, Sabres or Yankees). This one may seem overly obvious and the same exact wish of the entire male population. Nonetheless, I deserve to celebrate a champion. And as much as I love the Yankees, I think I would like to see one of the Buffalo teams break the Championship seal, it's not like the Yanks are exactly setting the baseball world on fire right now anyway, but if Shelley Duncan can continue to bash balls for the bombers... (and I don't mean bash balls in that way, ok Mr. Hardaway?)

So what are the Bills and/or Sabres chances? Well, we're a ways from either season starting, but as of now, I still think the Sabres have the better chance. Barring some key injuries (which I'm certainly not ruling out) the Sabres seem like a definite playoff team, and from there anything can happen.

On the other side of Western New York, the Bills have a young, promising roster. I trust the personnel on this team and I think J.P. Losman will lead Buffalo back to the playoffs. However, it's hard to tell what will happen. I hope it's the Bills year to finally become "that team" that takes he league by surprise with an unexpected run at the Lombardi Trophy, but I cannot say with full confidence that this will happen. As of right now, I'm thinking a 9-7 season and getting edged out of the playoffs on yet another dubious referee decision

Speaking of refs, wish number two: Certain refs change their ways, and stop screwing over the same teams!

It seems useless and cliched to blame refs, and if your team is winning then you won't notice the flaws as much as the losing side (for examples of this turn to page 136 in the Riding the Pine Sporting Dictionary and search the section labeled New England Patriot fans).

Still, a part of me can't help but wonder if some things may not be as they seem. Especially after the Tim Donaghy NBA scandal. Let's just hope this isn't happening in other sports. Because more scandals like this won't just be blackeye to the NBA (or any other league for that matter), it'll be a blinding blow.

My next wish is that all the news stories containing what I like to call "the usual suspects" cease to exist. This includes anything about people like Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson, TO, Barry Bonds, Ron Artest and the new Keyser Soze of the group: Michael Vick.

I'm sick of these people, and I know you are too. The one good thing is that I may have found a way to circumvent all the hoopla around the usual suspects. I've trained my brain so that any time I hear their names coming from my TV, I immediately break out into a non-life threatening seizure. This method isn't perfect, but it's better than the alternative. As a bonus, I can train other people this skill as well, and maybe even learn to detonate the seizures at the sound of Stephen A. Smith's voice as well.

Well, my birthday thread has turned more negative than I would have like, so this will be my last wish, and I'm about 99% sure it will come to fruition. I wish that the Harry Potter series comes to a satisfying conclusion that is equally as magnificent as the rest of the series. I'm cheating on this a little too, because I'm already 500 pages into the final installment and I can say that it has been excellent (tough to even out down just so I can write this).

And if only I had some magic in me too, the rest of my wishes would come true too...

Who's Now? Who Cares

I know there's not a whole lot of exciting stories going on in the sports world right now, but does ESPN really have to stoop this low?

Of course, I'm talking about ESPN's "Who's Now" segment that let's fans decide who is more "now." This is great, I can't even begin to tell you how many nights I've layed awake wondering who would win a "who's Now" poll between Derek Jeter and Sidney Crosby. If it was who's more accomplished Jeter would win easily, and if it's who has a better future, the answer is Crosby. But since it's a poll that makes no sense and instead of having a real meaning has a vague title (like who's now), it's a toss-up. Or merely a pointless popularity contest, another example of ESPN caring more about names and personalities than quality.

Seriously, when this idea was brought up, the person responsible should have been mocked and ridiculed. Instead we have a segment that it seems like everyone hates (except for the good folks in Bristol apparently). I can't think of anyone I know who thinks this thing is good, relevant or even remotely entertaining. It hypes players like Matt Leinart, who if you ask someone like Trey Wingo, is a great NFL quarterback. He might be someday, but he isn't now. He didn't exactly tear up a mediorce division last year, even with a slew of great weapons. And no one in Buffalo can be "Now" because they are cool enough to be in mentioned by the network that employs hip people like John Clayton and Stat Boy.

Anyway, to mock this once solid network, Riding the Pine has come up with a better version of who's now. Here's a sample of the brackets:

David Beckham vs. Harry Potter

Harry doesn't have much time for Quidditch anymore, but he gets a pass because of the whole Voldemort, saving the Wizard World thing. On the other hand, Beckham is another Brit who has been charged with saving something that is going to be difficult to save. I love soccer, always have, and even I don't care about Beckham playing with the L.A. Galaxy. And Beckham could never catch the Golden Snitch over Harry. I'm not sure but they both might have to deal with witches... (at least the witches in Harry's world aren't embarking on a Spice Girls reunion tour). Advantage: Harry Potter

Willis McGahee vs. My Left Nut

Similar personalities, but at least one can shut up and get the job done. Advantage: Not McGahee

Gary Bettman vs. David Stern

The battle to ruin to great leagues is on. But, there's a clear winner here. Stern managed to banish Bettman to hockey where he has promptly destroyed the NHL and has even managed to have a useless lockout and secure television rights with cable channel 69 in Rochester (also known as VS). His next task: promote Barry Melrose to be his right hand man and personal hair stylist. Advantage: Definitely not fans of the NBA or NHL

America's Got Talent vs. Sportscenter

I could go defecate on the stage and I would be demonstrating more talent than some of the people that have actually appeared on this program, where America's talent is judged by a 2/3s British panel. Of course the real paradox here is, how can three people with so little talent (David Hasslehoff, Sharon Osbourne and the British guy with Simon Cowell pictures stuck up his bum) judge others on their talent? The answer: they can't. Another paradox is: how can a show that features "Who's Now," be included on the list for the "Who's Now" competition? The answer is the same way many people feel about this whole Who's Now scam: Who cares. Advantage: anyone who avoids America's Got Talent

USA, USA, USA!

Just a few quick notes following the Fourth of July:

First off, I can't believe this day has come. The day where Kobayashi failed to win the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest. But it's certainly about time that an American claimed the title, and he all should be proud of the fact that Joey Chestnut downed 66 dogs in the 12-minute span of the contest.

This contest has a perfect recipe of competitiveness, comedy, grossness and American tradition. In fact, I'm just waiting for this event to be the stage for the next Dodgeball type movie about underdogs. The only question is who would play the part of Joey "Jaws" Chestnut, and who would be Kobayashi? I'm thinking Paul Reubens as Chestnut and Jet Li as Kobayashi. Directed by Ben Stiller. This could follow in the tradition of entertaining/great 4th of July movies like Independence Day and Transformers.


Speaking of Independence Day traditions, we are now well into the 2007 MLB season. Of course, the Yankees season has been a disappointment. They've gotten great play from A-Rod (MVP type year), Jeter, Posada and the occasional gem by a pitcher like Wang. But with such a weak bullpen and inconsistent pitching all around. I'm starting to doubt the Yanks ability to claim the AL Wildcard.

To make matters worse, my fantasy baseball team is struggling even worse than the Steinbrenner's crew. I have some solid pitching in Santana, Verlander, Wang and Oswalt. But injuries (B.J. Ryan) and disappointments have flooded my roster (what was I thinking drafting someone as loony as Manny Ramirez? And taking Santana over A-Rod is proving to be fatal). I cut loose some dead weight (Jermaine Dye, Delmon Young, Richie Sexson) so hopefully I can at least avoid the embarrassment of a last place finish.

And on a final note, I'm happy to find out that as of today Thomas Vanek will be a Sabre for a long time. Buffalo just recently announced that they have matched the Edmonton Oilers offer sheet, meaning that their top goal scorer will remain a Sabre and help to bring a shred of optimism to this dreadful NHL offseason. And of course this means another U.S. victory over Canada.

USA, USA, USA! Now, excuse me, I have some hot dogs to eat and fire works to set off Not really, but you still gotta love this patriotic holiday(that is, unless you're the guy who has to clean up after the Hot Dog eating contest).

State of the Sabres Address II

During today's press conference with Larry Quinn and Darcy Regier, the pair exclaimed that the sky is not falling for the Buffalo Sabres. That may be true, but after the events of yesterday (known around these parts as black Sunday, or maybe it's green Sunday for a certain pair of former Sabres), it's hard to argue that Buffalo's win total won't be falling.

The Sabres have still not made a move, and the free agent market is quickly dwindling. Buffalo can still salvage some extra talent from what's left in the free agent pool (a pool which has been violated by the New York Rangers). But the first priority is to sign restricted free agents Thomas Vanek and Derek Roy. And maybe even try to convince Dainius Zubrus to stick around for a while.

Some quality defenseman still remain possibilities as well: Sheldon Souray (a big guy with a nasty shot, he would be a big asset on the powerplay, Brad Stewart (add some needed toughness). If Teppo Numinen decides he would like to play for at least another year, then he becomes a must sign as well (it seems like every year the eventual Champion has a skilled older player who's never won the Cup. I believe Numinen is that guy for Buffalo).

There are also some long-shot possibilities at forward. I would love to have the Finnish Flash Teemu Selanne for a year or two but I rank this as a long-shot level 9.9 (roughly the same odds that I have scoring a date with Jessica Alba or Ralph Nader becoming President). Selanne is probably going to retire or sign a one-year contract to help defend the Ducks Title, and certainly wouldn't want to relocate across the country. But there's no denying that he would fit in great with the Sabres high octane offense. There aren't many other forwards to go after. There's Brendan Shanahan (probably going to re-sign with New York Ranger$), and there's Michael Peca (you know, that undersized former Sabre captain who's washed up. I hope Flyers fans get used to that sentence because that's how Briere will be described when he's in the middle of that monster contract. Another available center is Alexi Yashin, and I don't think there's many ways to make this offseason worse for the Sabres...unless they sign Yashin, that will make things ten times worse.

I am admittedly bitter towards our former Captains for leaving; however,there's no way I'll ever boo one of these guys. They've helped resurrect the franchise and they entered the lexicon of Sabres that I will always remember. I even believe Briere that he wanted to stay in Buffalo, and left not just because of the large pay increase but also because management made him feel unwanted. Seriously, they couldn't have screwed up that situation any worse than they did. As for Drury, the front office knew the importance of resigning him; unfortunately, so did the front office of the team that he always dreamed of playing for (Damn you Rangers).

So while I woke up this morning hoping that yesterday never happened, or that they discovered that it wasn't really Briere that signed with Philly, but a young French-Canadian child who just looked like the 2007 All-Star Game MVP, I've not reached the point where I'm trying to accept these changes with the team. Like most fans, I even try to talk myself into the possibility that Buffalo will be better of in the long run.

Regier is right though, the sky isn't falling, but you certainly can't blame Sabres fans for wanting an umbrella just in case.

Sabres Update (aka why I'm currently smashing my head on my keyboard)

Well, it's official. Today is one of the worst days in Sabres history.

Chris Drury decided to stay in New York State, but with Buffalo's Eastern Conference rival the New York Rangers. Good thing the NHL robbed us of a year of hockey to get a salary cap and make sure big market teams don't have a huge advantage. Otherwise the Rangers would be able to sign Drury, Scott Gomez, and pay Jagr superstar money. Oh wait, I forgot the NHL is run by the one of the most incompetent commissioners ever Gary Bettman.

I thought the Sabres could at least make a run at Smyth, but he signed with the Avs, Jason Blake (who would have fit in well) signed with another rival in Toronto. Now, like I said earlier I don't think this is the apocalypse for the Sabres, but this certainly is a kick to the groin for the organization. And, trust me, there's no other way to put it - it's the equivalent of someone dangling the fabled Stanley Cup over the heads of the collective Sabres fan base, and when we're looking up, Bettman and some of our biggest rivals come up and decide to smash us in the groin with a hockey stick. Several times too, and then for good measure Danny Briere and Chris Drury come by and run over our hearts with a Zamboni. And I shouldn't say it's the equivalent, because this literally happened to the Blue and Gold faithful.

I'm sure that by the time the season opener rolls around I'll be more confident in the product that the Sabres are putting on the ice, but for now, I can't help what could have (and possibly should have)been...


Thanks for the memories Captain Drury, Captain Briere, you guys will always be Sabres to this guy.

Goodbye Danny B. (Don't Let Drury follow you out the door)

Also in this column: why the Flyers still suck

This moment may have seemed inevitable, but it still is an emotional sting when a beloved Sabre cuts his ties with the blue and gold.

In this case, it's Daniel Briere who has traded in his slug uniform for 52 million dollars and a chance to play for one of the league's worse teams for 8 years (well, I guess the Flyers could get better, but I'm guessing not and I'll explain this more later).

It seems the Sabres low-balled Briere with the 5-year 25 million dollar deal they offered him earlier in the week. The unfortunate irony here is that if they had offered that to him last year he would still be a Sabre and not in the "Screw you Darcy Regier" Club with Marty Biron. This is not to say that Reiger has done a bad job, because he actually has been one of the best, if not the best GM in the league. He built and helped develop this awesome President's Cup winning roster. But when we look back his body of work in a few years, his downfall may prove to be summed up with the mention of one faithful day. That day being today, July 1, 2007.

Of course, today could be the doomsday in Buffalo, but there is still hope. For starters, the Sabres are still a young, supremely talented squad with a clutch Star goalie (ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ryan Miller), and one of the best coaches in the game (take a bow Lindy Ruff, Bryan Murray wishes he had the skills you do). And as of now (5 pm on Sunday), there's still a chance that Captain Clutch himself will still resign with Buffalo. Rampant speculation is that Drury will sign with a west coast team, but I'm still holding out hope that Drury wants to be the guy to bring the Cup to Buffalo. He still hasn't rejected Buffalo's secretive offer to him and maybe if he sees plans to turn City Hall into a giant Stanley Cup replica then that will be the clincher to stay.

And of course, this could all be moot before I'm even done typing this column. So what does Buffalo do if they lose their second captain?

They can always pursue Ryan Smyth. He's a guy with enough heart, skill and ambition to became our newest Chris Drury. Seeing Smyth in a Swords uniform would be the closest thing to erasing the pain of losing two of the most revered hockey players this area has seen in a while. It would almost be like having Daniel Craig replace Pierce Bronson as James Bond. Sure, it seems like the wrong move but in the end, things could get better, the Casino Royale version of the Sabres may even trump the old,loved Goldeneye version of the Sabres (and I'm not going into any Sean Connery version of the Sabres, there's just no need for it).

Still, signing Smyth probably is as likely as getting Drury to resign. In this case, there's not much Buffalo can or should attempt to do in free agency. They could still go after a tough, rugged defensemen (they need some grit in the playoffs) and maybe try to add a player with good size and skill (Zubrus would be a logical choice to stay with the Sabres). And the only other thing to do is pray, pray that their young talent will take it to the next level and the 2007-08 Sabres will be that team that appears worse than the past few years, even struggle a bit, but they put it together in the postseason and some how win a title (you know the type, right 2006 St. Louis Cardinals?).

Before I end this, I wanted to finish my above thoughts and the Philadelphia Flyers. They'll certainly be better next year but when has signing a way several key players from a great team ever won a championship? Ever? Not that I can recall. Stealing away two players from a hated rival may seem like a surefire way to weaken the enemy and create a buzz around your franchise, but I don;t see the aging tandem of Briere and Biron putting the Flyers past the Sabres. In fact, it reminds me a lot of the Bills grabbing Bledsoe and Milloy away from the Patriots. That worked out as well Gobots. Wait, you don't remember Gobots? They were a cheap rip-off of the Transformers. And that's all the Flyers will be, a cheap rip-off of the Sabres.

Now, I just hope I won't be biting my tongue when Gobots the movie comes out next summer.

The Return

My days of writing for the Cardinal Courier are over, but that doesn't mean the end of riding the pine. The Summer editions will start up soon, and they'll have a different feel from my past columns.

This includes the addition of more non-sports related topics to riff on, namely reviews of different books(Chuck Palahniuk's new one is a good read and of course the Harry Potter finale), movies (Knocked Up is already in the upper echelon of great comedies) and music (new discs from the White Stripes, Arctic Monkeys and Wilco in a matter of months is a great thing). I may even include my post graduation synopsis entitled, "Have A Good Life."

As for the sports side, there's still plenty to cover including summer baseball and a watch on all my favorite squads (Yanks, Bills and of course the pivotal off-season for the Sabres).

In conclusion, there's plenty of room left on the bench, and die hard benchwarmers (aka the Riding the Pine fan club) may even be rewarded with the long awaited announcement of this column's official mascot...

(cut to black)

The Finale

This column was originally published in the Volume 6 - Issue 12 - April 18, 2007 edition of the award-winning Cardinal Courier

So, it’s come down to this, my final column in the Cardinal Courier. And this one is going to be all about the man behind Riding the Pine: me (break out the Kleenex, because this one could get emotional).

Some of you may have not realized I was a senior (due to my boyish good looks), but I am. I have only written for the Courier for 3 years though, because I joined my sophomore year. My first duty at the Courier was to write movie reviews with my friend Luke, which was a pretty sweet gig even though I’m still waiting to get reimbursed for those films. But, it was still fun and it helped to introduce me to the Courier community. (This reminds me, Democrat and Chronicle, if you’re looking for a new movie reviewer, I will work for cheap).

Both the Courier and the campus itself, has changed immensely throughout my tenure here. For example, does anyone else remember the beach volleyball area outside Haffey? Or how about when you could get late night dining at the Fishbowl at 7, instead of 8? And believe it or not freshmen, that giant construction zone in the center of campus used to be a nice little spot called Lavery Lawn. A place where people could toss a disc around, play a round of frolf (frisbee-golf) or just hang out by the picnic tables.

That last part may seem a little negative, but I’m just doing something that we all do: reminisce on good times. When I look back at my time here, I’ll block out most of the negative stuff and remember the little things that trigger those good memories. There’s the “drunk stairs” from freshman year, there’s the time Haffey 3 exploded after Aaron Boone’s homerun buried the Red Sox. And then there’s the Unicorns of Death floor hockey squad, the addition of buffalo chicken in the omelets, the intense racquetball matches and the New York trip with the Courier staff.

Ah, good times.

It’s nice to look back and rediscover everything I’ve written for the Courier. My movie reviews, my plead for an on-campus bar and of course the entire Riding the Pine catalogue. It’s been a good year for you benchwarmers (that’s what I’m going to start calling my fan base). In past issues, I’ve predicted the future, voiced my displeasure over the Sabres slug logo, I’ve defended A-Rod and offended T.O. I’ve crossed the border of rowdiness with rival Nazareth (and mocked their affection for purple shirts and wine coolers), I’ve dreamt of Rick Jeanneret narrating my life and I’ve demonstrated the true greatness of mascots. I’ve made some of the most obscure references I could think up, including a sporting Facebook, Darkwing Duck and The Mole. And now it’s come to this, my farewell column.

I’ll still have a Riding the Pine blog (http://ridingthepinesports.blogspot.com/), that has all my past columns and anything new I want to add, but it’s not the same as having my designated spot near Extra Innings in the Courier’s sports section. This makes me realize that even with all the change on campus and at the Courier, I have changed too. Sure, some things are the same. I’m still a twin, I’m still a World Champion (Odyssey of the Mind 2003), I’m still a fan of the Sabres, Bills and Yankees (and I still like to use parentheses when I write). But I know this place has made me a better writer, a smarter individual and dare I say, a better person.

As George Costanza would say, showmanship is important and leaving on a high note always leaves the audience wanting more. After a killer joke, he would say, “that’s it for me” and he would make his triumphant exit.

It’s now time for me to make my exit, so to St. John Fisher I say…
That’s it for me.

Mascot Mania

This column was originally published in the Volume 6 - Issue 11 - April 4, 2007 edition of the award-winning Cardinal Courier

You enter the arena and the crowd goes wild. You raise your hands in the air and signal for the audience to reach an apex of craziness. You’re impossibly hot, sweating profusely, but there’s pandemonium all around you and you feed off that. Children love you, the drunk guys in the upper deck love you and women especially love you.

So who are you?

You’re one of the most underrated parts of a sports franchise, you’re the mascot.

Think about it. Mascots are always fun, they do cool tricks and often have hilarious names.

What crowd doesn’t get pumped up when they see Sabretooth propel down from the roof of HSBC Arena before a Sabres game? Or see the Phoenix Suns Gorilla leap through a flaming hoop to throw down a vicious jam?

In some ways the mascot can be the face of a franchise as much as a star player. The mascot is just one of the fans, whether it be the rowdy, shirtless type relentlessly high-fiving others, or the family-friendly type. Plus you’ll never see a mascot leaving through free agency or blasting the team and city after they leave (cough… McGahee…cough). In college athletics the athletes have a maximum shelf life of four years, so long time fans identify the most with the coaches and the school in general (which I like to think is represented by the mascot). The two biggest stars for the Syracuse hoops team has to be: Jim Boeheim number one and Otto the Orange number two.

Of course, there is a chance that the person behind the costume is a jerk. But that doesn’t matter because it’s not about the him/her that dons that uniform, but what that costume represents. It represents the fans and having a good time. And even if the person wearing that costume is an outstanding person, they won’t be recognized in public. For instance, did you know the Suns Gorilla is actually a man named Bob Woolf? Or that David Raymond was the original Phillie Phanatic? You don’t know their names, but their characters are in the Mascot Hall of Fame (along with the San Diego Chicken and a few others).

As I mentioned in my Sabres column a few weeks ago, I love some of the zany names of these mascots (like Sparky the Dragon for the Islanders), but I feel some mascots could be improved to maximize the sheer coolness of their potential.

Let’s start with Anaheim Duck mascot. Now I know they aren’t Mighty any more, but the franchise is missing a key opportunity here. They should step it up and announce Darkwing Duck as their newest mascot. A Ducks game would be a must-see if they had Darkwing swinging from the rafters (and possibly battling NegaDuck too). Awesome.

And what’s up with the Montreal Canadiens mascot Youppi? He’s just an outcast from the defunct Expos. How about an ice-skating Mountie as a mascot that knows how to lay down the law. The San Antonio Spurs need a change too. Currently their team is represented by a coyote that wears a Tim Duncan jersey and sports two giant green orbs as its eyes. It may as well be named: Rabies, the child-scaring mascot. They should have a cowboy, or even something simple as a giant spur. There’s no reason to have an animal as a mascot just because it seems simpler.

In fact that’s what this column is missing. If you have any good costume ideas then send me an email because the Riding the Pine mascot is going to be the next great sports figure. Just don’t ask it to jump through a flaming hoop.

2001: A Riding The Pine Odyssey

This column was originally published in the Volume 6 - Issue 10 - March 21, 2007 edition of the award-winning Cardinal Courier

If you’ve ever watched Late Night with Conan O’Brien, then I’m sure you’re familiar with the running gig where Conan and a guest predict the near future as La Bomba provides the high-pitched title: “In the year 2000…” Well, this skit got me thinking about what the future of the sporting world looks like. Since Conan is an avid reader of my column, I’ll avoid angering him by calling this segment of Riding the Pine: “In the year 2001…” (You’re welcome NBC).

In the year 2001… both the Buffalo Bills and the Baltimore Ravens will get a deal from the Willis McGahee trade. The Bills will deploy a running back-by-committee system that will be able to do things that McGahee couldn’t (catch passes, pass protect and learn the playbook). Plus there’s the fact the McGahee seemed to hate the city of Buffalo and playing for the Bills. This certainly doesn’t fit into general manager Marv Levy’s ideal type of player and into his overall master plan for the Bills. In Marv I trust!

McGahee is still a very talented back (although not quite the same guy that dominated collegiate defenses in Miami) and he should have a strong season carrying the load for the Ravens. And as an added bonus, the lawyers in Baltimore have to be excited with the prospects of dealing with several paternity against McGahee. Eventually, he will become Flavor Flav’s successor on Flavor of Love 2: Women Who Love Neck Tattoos.

In the year 2001… not to be out done by McGahee, Tom Brady will continue his own streak of illegitimate children when it’s discovered that Patriot Pat is pregnant.

In the year 2001… director of athletics at Princeton University and the chair of the Division I Men's Basketball Committee Gary Walters will be relieved of his duties as the committee leader when a it’s discovered that he forgot to add Syracuse to the bracket simply because he was hungover after a night of partying in Vegas with Titans DB Pac-Man Jones.

In the year 2001… a Cinderella team (similar George Mason in 2006) will do the unthinkable and win the NCAA tournament causing Dick Vitale’s head to simultaneously combust. Actually, I’m mentioning Vitale because I think the criticism of him is sometimes unfair. He brings the same type of enthusiasm as Rick Jeanneret does to hockey games. His catch phrases can still be fun (who doesn’t love the occasional, “yeah baby!”) and he has extensive knowledge of the game. I don’t watch all his games, so maybe my Dickie V. tolerance is higher than others and his perceived bias in favor of Duke doesn’t seem true to me. And, there is also a slight chance that I might be related to him (My mother’s maiden name is Vitale and rumor has it he once called my grandparents).

In the year 2001… Ottawa Senators goon Chris Neil will once again injury a star player with a cheap shot… this time with a flamethrower that he brought on to the ice. However, he leaves the ordeal with no suspension and a fine of $4.99 (roughly the price of a happy meal) because NHL commissioner Gary Bettman and Senior Vice President and Director of Hockey Operations Colin Campbell decide that the incident wasn’t Neil’s fault but instead the other players fault, “because his helment wasn’t on properly and because he failed to wear a flame retardent jersey.”

In the year 2001… Facebook will expand to the sporting world with an exclusive network for athletes. Unfortunately, this will cause some problems after Kobe Bryant and Shaq get into a “poke war” and Willis McGahee sends Maria Sharapova the ambiguous box with a hole for Christmas. Justin Timberlake would approve of this gift as well.

In the year 2001… ABC reinstates Anderson Cooper’s reality show The Mole with a sports theme. The theme of the show will remain the same: each team will have a “mole” someone who tries to do just enough to sabotage the team without being detected. Of course, it’s no surprise when it’s revealed that Alex Rodriguez is the mole and has been ever since his arrival in the Bronx.

In the year 2001… I win the award for goofiest looking mug shot in a column, but I fail to pick up the award because I made the mistake of scheduling my flight with JetBlue.

State of the Sabres Address

We’ve seen this before. Right, Sabres fans?

At the rate Buffalo’s players are going down with injuries, they’re going to have to lace some skates on Sabretooth and have him play defense (and this reminds me, the NHL has by far the best set of mascots, even if some of them make no sense. For example, the Islanders’ Sparky the Dragon, Carolina’s Stormy the Ice Hog and Toronto’s Carlton the Bear are all not only funny, but also child friendly).

Once again, the rash of injuries has struck some high-profile Sabres. Most noticeably, is the recent injury to one of the league’s most electrifying players: Maxim Afinogenov. Afinogenov’s broken wrist will sideline him for at least six weeks and he might not see the ice again before the playoffs. Losing one of their top playmakers will definitely hurt Buffalo’s chance at a President’s Cup (awarded to the club with the best regular season record), but shouldn’t affect the team’s ultimate goal of winning a Stanley Cup. After all, Afinogenov managed to score the equalizer goal against the Oilers after he broke his wrist.

Other injured Sabres such as Jaroslav Spacek and Jiri Novotny should also be back for what is hopefully a long playoff run. But the major blow is Paul Gaustad’s sliced tendon that will shelf him for the season. There’s no doubt that the Sabres will miss Gaustad’s punishing style of play and his rapport with linemate and co-Captain Chris Drury. If the Sabres are going to make a trade before the Feb. 27 deadline, they would most likely need to acquire a physical forward to replace Gaustad or a veteran defender to supply leadership and stability to Buffalo’s blueliners.

Of course, they don’t have to necessarily make a trade (especially considering their tight salary cap situation). They dealt with key injuries all of last year and still finished near the top of the standings. The plague of injuries that rifled through Buffalo’s defensive corps did eventually catch up with them though and it opened the door for Carolina to bring the Cup to NASCAR land. I have an idea to stop these injuries: for the next season of 24, Tom Golisano could hire Jack Bauer to protect the Sabres from both injuries and a terrorist cell made up of Zdeno Chara look-a-likes (tell me you wouldn’t tune in for that). While he’s at it, Jack could convince Gary Bettman to introduce hockey cheerleaders into the mix.

Even if Jack Bauer can’t keep Buffalo’s roster healthy, there’s still not reason to panic. If Tim Connolly (who’s currently sporting the Brittany Spears shaved head look) can successfully return from the nasty injuries he suffered against Ottawa last postseason, then Buffalo will have added firepower to shoot down the rest of the league’s major contenders. Plus call-ups like Drew Stafford can help to get the job done.

So what if the Predators traded for Peter Forsberg? That’s not the kind of move the Sabres need to make anyway. If Nashville does happen to topple the Sharks, Wings and the Ducks (formerly known as Mighty) and make it out of Western Conference, they will still be having nightmares of their 7-2 home thrashing at the hands of the Sabres back on Dec. 21.

As for the Eastern Conference competition, I still think the Sabres have the upper edge. They have more depth than the Thrashers, more experience than the Penguins and they have a history of playoff mastery against Ottawa. As for the Devils and their trap style of defense, the way I see it is that their seemingly superhuman goalie Martin Brodeur will be worn out by playoff time.

One more Sabres note, is there a play-by-play man who is more worthy of calling a Cup-clinching game than Rick Jeanneret? Jeanneret, alongside the always-reliable Jim Lorentz, adds an element of excitement to the game that few others can. In fact, if I could have one person narrate my life it would definitely be Jeanneret. I would run around getting into fights just to hear his brilliant play-by-play (“Pukos just threw down his books and…wait… now he’s headed after the girl with the scooter, holy mackerel!”)

Still, the question remains: can these Sabres slug the competition and win it all? We won’t know until June, but either way these guys are still, as Jeanneret would say, “good, scary good.”

From the Feb. 21 2007 (Vol. 6 issue 9) of the Cardinal Courier

Behind Enemy Lines

This column originally was published in Volume 6 - Issue 8 of the February 7, 2007 Cardinal Courier.

This was my attempt to go where no Fisher fan had been before. The plan was to venture into the enemy’s territory and get a new perspective on the Fisher-Naz rivalry. So, on Feb. 2 I attempted to do the unthinkable and go behind enemy lines and sit among the Naz faithful during the men and women’s double-header.

I entered the Nazareth side at around 5:30, getting to the game is always essential especially in order to get a front row seat in the heart of the Golden Flyers cheering section. I sat down in front of a row of Nazareth ladies and removed my coat to reveal my Cardinal red ‘crazies” shirt. The Naz people didn’t seem to notice (or care) about my Fisher alliance at this point, they were more focused on screaming for a member of the women’s team like a group of crazed Teddy Geiger fans.

As more purple clad students filed into the gym, the more awkward I felt sitting amongst the Naz faithful by myself (at this point no one else would join me). This was the point were a particular Naz fan found a seat next to me. After being around this kid for a few minutes I came to the conclusion that he was borderline crazy (not to mention, he said he was kicked out of the last Naz game and later in this game he would end up throwing a bottle down at the scorer’s table).

He said that he was saving his energy for the men’s game as he almost completely ignored the women’s game and just listened to his iPod and drank from an ambiguous red drink (considering he’s a Naz guy it was probably a wine cooler). It also needs to be mentioned that he reeked like a mixture of Aqua Velva and booze.

At halftime of the woman’s game, I decided to go back to the Fisher side. I figured I could find my inner rowdiness with my fellow Crazies as opposed to sitting next to some music major wearing a “friends don’t’ let friends go to Fisher” shirt.
After the Fisher ladies dispatched of Naz, I knew it was once again time to cross over to hostile terrain. This time I brought some backup with me as Sports Editor handball Mike joined me in the crowd of purple and gold.

Entering the Naz section this time was a lot different then earlier. First off, there were a lot more people this time and these people did not appreciate our Cardinal Crazies attire. The insults quickly rained down upon us, the crowd especially didn’t appreciate our “go Fisher” cries.

Of course, their insults were as weak as some of their chants. They taunted us about having a football team that was only D-III and couldn’t quite win a championship. This taunt may have been more affective if Nazareth actually had a football team of their own. Another Naz faithful told me I needed Hooked on Phonics. I didn’t really get why this was supposed to be demeaning. But I guess nothing is more intimidating then: “Hey Fisher student, your basketball team is going to lose and you suck at reading!”

My reason for entering the enemy territory was not to be an instigator (although security gave me a few suspicious glances), but to experience the other side of a great rivalry. With that being said, there was some minimal pushing and shoving. Mostly from one particular Naz fan who sat in the front row. He was dressed in a white polo shirt (surprisingly the collar was not popped) and had a permanent scowl on his face the entire game. Maybe someone just informed him that this was actually a basketball game and not a Zoolander style dance-off between East Ave. rivals (of course, it goes without saying that the Fisher cheerleaders were way better than Naz’s dance team).

When all was said and done, I ended up back where I belonged: in the Fisher student to help cheer on the victors. But this experience helped me think about the nature of rivalries. It's funny how normal people will act to one another simply because they’re rooting for a different team.

I love the rivalry with Naz. I think it’s a healthy competition between the two schools. Hopefully more games like this can help to improve the intensity of the rivalry. It may seem from this column that absolutely despise everything about our sister school, but that’s not true. In fact, I’m heading down the road to make my peace with the Naz ladies as we speak.