Who's Now? Who Cares

I know there's not a whole lot of exciting stories going on in the sports world right now, but does ESPN really have to stoop this low?

Of course, I'm talking about ESPN's "Who's Now" segment that let's fans decide who is more "now." This is great, I can't even begin to tell you how many nights I've layed awake wondering who would win a "who's Now" poll between Derek Jeter and Sidney Crosby. If it was who's more accomplished Jeter would win easily, and if it's who has a better future, the answer is Crosby. But since it's a poll that makes no sense and instead of having a real meaning has a vague title (like who's now), it's a toss-up. Or merely a pointless popularity contest, another example of ESPN caring more about names and personalities than quality.

Seriously, when this idea was brought up, the person responsible should have been mocked and ridiculed. Instead we have a segment that it seems like everyone hates (except for the good folks in Bristol apparently). I can't think of anyone I know who thinks this thing is good, relevant or even remotely entertaining. It hypes players like Matt Leinart, who if you ask someone like Trey Wingo, is a great NFL quarterback. He might be someday, but he isn't now. He didn't exactly tear up a mediorce division last year, even with a slew of great weapons. And no one in Buffalo can be "Now" because they are cool enough to be in mentioned by the network that employs hip people like John Clayton and Stat Boy.

Anyway, to mock this once solid network, Riding the Pine has come up with a better version of who's now. Here's a sample of the brackets:

David Beckham vs. Harry Potter

Harry doesn't have much time for Quidditch anymore, but he gets a pass because of the whole Voldemort, saving the Wizard World thing. On the other hand, Beckham is another Brit who has been charged with saving something that is going to be difficult to save. I love soccer, always have, and even I don't care about Beckham playing with the L.A. Galaxy. And Beckham could never catch the Golden Snitch over Harry. I'm not sure but they both might have to deal with witches... (at least the witches in Harry's world aren't embarking on a Spice Girls reunion tour). Advantage: Harry Potter

Willis McGahee vs. My Left Nut

Similar personalities, but at least one can shut up and get the job done. Advantage: Not McGahee

Gary Bettman vs. David Stern

The battle to ruin to great leagues is on. But, there's a clear winner here. Stern managed to banish Bettman to hockey where he has promptly destroyed the NHL and has even managed to have a useless lockout and secure television rights with cable channel 69 in Rochester (also known as VS). His next task: promote Barry Melrose to be his right hand man and personal hair stylist. Advantage: Definitely not fans of the NBA or NHL

America's Got Talent vs. Sportscenter

I could go defecate on the stage and I would be demonstrating more talent than some of the people that have actually appeared on this program, where America's talent is judged by a 2/3s British panel. Of course the real paradox here is, how can three people with so little talent (David Hasslehoff, Sharon Osbourne and the British guy with Simon Cowell pictures stuck up his bum) judge others on their talent? The answer: they can't. Another paradox is: how can a show that features "Who's Now," be included on the list for the "Who's Now" competition? The answer is the same way many people feel about this whole Who's Now scam: Who cares. Advantage: anyone who avoids America's Got Talent

2001: A Riding The Pine Odyssey

This column was originally published in the Volume 6 - Issue 10 - March 21, 2007 edition of the award-winning Cardinal Courier

If you’ve ever watched Late Night with Conan O’Brien, then I’m sure you’re familiar with the running gig where Conan and a guest predict the near future as La Bomba provides the high-pitched title: “In the year 2000…” Well, this skit got me thinking about what the future of the sporting world looks like. Since Conan is an avid reader of my column, I’ll avoid angering him by calling this segment of Riding the Pine: “In the year 2001…” (You’re welcome NBC).

In the year 2001… both the Buffalo Bills and the Baltimore Ravens will get a deal from the Willis McGahee trade. The Bills will deploy a running back-by-committee system that will be able to do things that McGahee couldn’t (catch passes, pass protect and learn the playbook). Plus there’s the fact the McGahee seemed to hate the city of Buffalo and playing for the Bills. This certainly doesn’t fit into general manager Marv Levy’s ideal type of player and into his overall master plan for the Bills. In Marv I trust!

McGahee is still a very talented back (although not quite the same guy that dominated collegiate defenses in Miami) and he should have a strong season carrying the load for the Ravens. And as an added bonus, the lawyers in Baltimore have to be excited with the prospects of dealing with several paternity against McGahee. Eventually, he will become Flavor Flav’s successor on Flavor of Love 2: Women Who Love Neck Tattoos.

In the year 2001… not to be out done by McGahee, Tom Brady will continue his own streak of illegitimate children when it’s discovered that Patriot Pat is pregnant.

In the year 2001… director of athletics at Princeton University and the chair of the Division I Men's Basketball Committee Gary Walters will be relieved of his duties as the committee leader when a it’s discovered that he forgot to add Syracuse to the bracket simply because he was hungover after a night of partying in Vegas with Titans DB Pac-Man Jones.

In the year 2001… a Cinderella team (similar George Mason in 2006) will do the unthinkable and win the NCAA tournament causing Dick Vitale’s head to simultaneously combust. Actually, I’m mentioning Vitale because I think the criticism of him is sometimes unfair. He brings the same type of enthusiasm as Rick Jeanneret does to hockey games. His catch phrases can still be fun (who doesn’t love the occasional, “yeah baby!”) and he has extensive knowledge of the game. I don’t watch all his games, so maybe my Dickie V. tolerance is higher than others and his perceived bias in favor of Duke doesn’t seem true to me. And, there is also a slight chance that I might be related to him (My mother’s maiden name is Vitale and rumor has it he once called my grandparents).

In the year 2001… Ottawa Senators goon Chris Neil will once again injury a star player with a cheap shot… this time with a flamethrower that he brought on to the ice. However, he leaves the ordeal with no suspension and a fine of $4.99 (roughly the price of a happy meal) because NHL commissioner Gary Bettman and Senior Vice President and Director of Hockey Operations Colin Campbell decide that the incident wasn’t Neil’s fault but instead the other players fault, “because his helment wasn’t on properly and because he failed to wear a flame retardent jersey.”

In the year 2001… Facebook will expand to the sporting world with an exclusive network for athletes. Unfortunately, this will cause some problems after Kobe Bryant and Shaq get into a “poke war” and Willis McGahee sends Maria Sharapova the ambiguous box with a hole for Christmas. Justin Timberlake would approve of this gift as well.

In the year 2001… ABC reinstates Anderson Cooper’s reality show The Mole with a sports theme. The theme of the show will remain the same: each team will have a “mole” someone who tries to do just enough to sabotage the team without being detected. Of course, it’s no surprise when it’s revealed that Alex Rodriguez is the mole and has been ever since his arrival in the Bronx.

In the year 2001… I win the award for goofiest looking mug shot in a column, but I fail to pick up the award because I made the mistake of scheduling my flight with JetBlue.