2010 NFL Preview Part 2

Riding the Pine – 2010 NFL Preview, Pt. 2
Predictions

Before I started this year’s preview, I took at look at some of my previous prognostications. Last year, I was solid in my picks. I had Drew Brees as league MVP, he didn’t win but was (of course) Super Bowl MVP. I was a year early on the Ravens bandwagon, picking them as Super Bowl runner-up to Giants (they started great, but missed the playoffs). I had the Cowboys last in the NFC East (hey, it’s a tough division to pick correctly) and the Jets last in the AFC East (although, my write-up on them was fairly accurate).

I was also a little early on the Packers bandwagon and I made an awesome reference to the Batman villain Bookworm (played by Michael Emerson in Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Follow-up?). Oh, I also totally nailed the fact that the Rams would suck.

AFC East
1. Patriots
2. Jets
3. Bills
4. Dolphins

This division is a victim of groupthink. One person in the media got it in their head that this division has three Super Bowl contenders and the worst team in the league and that idea spread like a zombie plague. Of course, that means it utilizes brain dead and ignores logic.

All four of these teams have flaws, the Bills have been exaggerated and the others have been ignored. The Patriots are still the team to beat in my mind because they have the same coach and quarterback as they have for the past ten years, the same combo that won them a lot of games. They’re far from those championship teams and have a questionable defense, but they have enough firepower to win the division.

The Jets follow that cliché that if enough people buy into a lie (or in this case a misconception), then eventually it’ll be known as truth. That notion is that the Jets are the most talented team in the league and a major Super Bowl contender. They aren’t. I like some moves they made, but Sanchez was brutal last year in the regular season. They let some of their top offensive talent go (Thomas Jones in particular) and signed some “big-name, star-power” players that have the people in New Jersey (and HBO) excited. But those guys (Tomlinson and Taylor) are not in their primes, far from it. HBO shows the Vince Lombardi trophy during the Hard Knocks title sequence, the narrator calls Mark Sanchez a superstar and Rex Ryan says they’re the “best fucking team in football,” and people buy into. I could go on about this, but honestly thinking about the Jets throws my psyche into a Hulk-like state, so I’ll stop.

While the Jets and Patriots will fight at the top of the division, the Bills and Dolphins will battle at the bottom. Like everyone else, I initially had the Bills finishing last (hey, I’m trying to have realistic expectations this year). The Dolphins did pick up two great players in the offseason (Brandon Marshall and Karlos Dansby), in fact, they’re the only team in the division that I can see finishing at anywhere in the division standings. The reason I have them last is because I think they’ll get off to a slow start (their schedule is not kind) and never recover. This includes losing the opener to Buffalo.

Speaking of which, why does everyone think the Phins are world-beaters and the Bills are a 2-14 team (seriously Sports Illustrated, ESPN, CBS Sportssline? Come on!). Last year the Bills and Dolphins split the season series, Miami went 7-9, Buffalo 6-10. The Bills rid themselves of the coaching equivalent of Glenn Beck, a conservative idiot (actually, sorry Dick Jauron, you seem like a nice guy and you’re probably smarting than me, so sorry about that). But speaking of horrible people, Bill Parcells stepped down from his previous role which means that Jeff Ireland – the guy who while conducting a job interview asked someone if there mother was a prostitute- will be the new “mastermind” in South Beach.

So, with every sports media outlet ripping on my favorite team I couldn’t pile on, they’ll still be frustrating and definitely still need a new quarterback. But come on, Chad Henne is no superstar either.

So screw it, I’m not conforming to this groupthink. Bills avoid last place, Jets miss playoffs, Pats exit in first round of playoffs and the people in Miami will only be focused on the Heat come October.

AFC North
1. Ravens
2. Bengals
3. Steelers
4. Browns

I won’t be shocked if the Ravens don’t win this division, but they have momentarily passed the Steelers as the marquee team in the North. Blame Ben Roethlisberger. (By the way, every time I hear his name I now immediately think of the first line in Eminem’s “Almost Famous” – one of the best tracks of the year so far).

I kind of feel bad for Peter King, he’s a great reporter and one of my favorite NFL guys to read, but since he’s a top guy he’s required to make picks. He’s awful at this, but of course, everyone is. But guys like him get ripped by crazy fans, I mean I was fuming pretty good when I saw his 2-14 guess for the Bills. He picked the Steelers to win the Super Bowl and that is not good news for Pittsburgh fans.

After his year stint in Buffalo, I see Terrell Owens in a different light. He really is treated pretty unfairly by the media and I thought he stayed pretty classy in what was a pretty poor position with the Bills. I think he should have a solid year in Cincy (I hope so, he’s on the bench for my fantasy team the Unicorns of Death). The worry about the Bengals (besides the whole legal troubles, clashing personalities thing) is Carson Palmer. He’s still better than a lot of passers, but he seems like he may never be at the level he was before his injury. Even discounting that, there’s just something about the Bengals that I don’t trust and their back-to-back horrible losses to the Jets last year compound that bad feeling.

There’s no denying that Joshua Cribbs is the man and… oh wait, he just decided to take his talents to South Beach. Bummer.

(Sorry. As someone who roots for the Bills and Sabres I should be above poking fun at other fans’ misfortune. But think of it this way, I’m really making fun of LeBron James. (Screw) him! Go Cavs!)

AFC South
1. Colts
2. Titans
3. Texans
4. Jaguars

Where exactly is that hot tub time machine located? I think I’m going to use it to convince Ralph Wilson to never, NEVER let Bill Polian go. Now, the Colts have even locked up Polian’s son. They have Peyton Manning too. My expert take on Manning: he’s good at playing football.

The Texans will make the playoffs at some point, probably this year, but I’ve they’ve burned their bandwagon jumpers too many times for me to hop on. Having said that, they’ll definitely make the playoffs next year…

Vince Young and Chris Johnson make are a solid duo and Jeff Fisher is one of the most underrated coaches in the league. They’re not a title contender but don’t be surprised if they are a playoff team.

Will anyone else be surprised if Jags coach Shooter McGavin is fired at the end of the year? Oh well, at least they have Tyson Alualu!

AFC West
1. Chargers
2. Raiders
3. Chiefs
4. Broncos

The Raiders, Chiefs and Broncos will all be close together in the standings, the drama will be akin to The Celebrity Apprentice (no one will care). Jason Campbell has had horrible luck in his career and being with the Raiders doesn’t change that. Still, I’m glad the Bills didn’t trade for him; he’s very similar to Trent Edwards and I can’t ever see him starting on a championship team. I can see Philip Rivers starting on a champion, but Norv Turner coaching a team to the ultimate ticker-tape parade? Nope.

I like the young playmakers on the Chiefs (this is my debut fantasy season and Jamaal Charles is on my squad. Dexter McCluster is a potential steal as well). I just don’t trust Cassel and they’ve missed a little too often on early draft picks.

The Raiders will be improved, but people are going a little crazy with this Jason Campbell/savior thing. He was the leader of a 4-12 team, he’s basically the same player as Trent Edwards (not a good thing).

Since Josh McDaniels became the man in Denver they’ve made some puzzling move. Maybe a few years from now the Tebow pick will be proven as a brilliant move and the former Gator will help people forget the front office’s other gaffes… but for now the Broncos will be at (or near) the bottom of the division.

NFC East
1. Cowboys
2. Giants
3. Redskins
4. Eagles

The Cowboys hype really is insufferable. Every year they’re pick to win the Super Bowl really for no reason, beside the fact that they have stars on their helmets. I’m picking them to be first in the division, but that’s mainly because these teams are so evenly matched and I’m just going with the fact that usually teams I hate have a lot of success.

I don’t know what to make of the Giants, they played like a team that didn’t care at the end of last year. I think they’ll be back in the playoffs this year though. Eli is no Peyton, but that’s OK, he’s still very good.

My feeling on the Eagles is that they’re going to miss McNabb now that he’s gone. They won’t really regret getting rid of him because it was probably the right choice to see what they have in Kevin Kolb, still, the chances that he’ll become another Aaron Rodgers seems unlikely. Remember, Kolb is from the 2007 draft class, the same class that produced JaMarcus Russell, Brady Quinn, John Beck (my favorite Dolphin of all time), Trent Edwards and a bunch of other guys who suck. Just saying…

I wanted the Bills to get both McNabb and Shanahan. They both went to Washington. Screw them.

NFC North
1. Packers
2. Vikings
3. Lions
4. Bears

I had the Packers pegged as a Super Bowl team months before writing this. At some point the passed the Saints as the best team in the NFC (in perception, not reality that is). Aaron Rodgers, if he stays healthy will have MVP numbers, and yes, it pisses me off that the Bills still haven’t found someone to replace Jim Kelly yet Green Bay somehow found Favre 2.0. Essentially, Rodgers is like the Packers Curb Your Enthusiasm.

The Vikings seem like they’re poised to slip a little, but they aren’t going to ship the division title belt over to Green Bay without an epic fight. Pack vs. Vikes is definitely must-see football.

The Lions have some key building blocks on their road to recovery – Calvin Johnson, Jahvid Best, Ndamukong Suh and most importantly, Matthew Stafford. If Stafford ends up as a bust, well, I don’t think Lions fans want to think about that prospect. Personally, I don’t think he’ll be a bust, just a lesser version of Drew Bledsoe (Hey, Bledsoe was pretty good during his peak).

I just have a bad feeling about the Bears, but hey, at least their quarterback doesn’t have a Justin Bieber haircut…

NFC South
1. Saints
2. Falcons
3. Panthers
4. Buccaneers

I flirted with the idea of putting the Falcons on top of the division solely because the NFC South has been wildly unpredictable. I can’t find a great reason why the Saints wouldn’t top the South, yet I said the same thing about last year’s defending Super Bowl champion (the Steelers finished third in the AFC North in 2009).

I wanted the Bills to draft Jimmy Clausen and he could be real good for the Panthers, the main reason why he might not is because of Matt Moore. I could see Moore quietly having a stellar season and helping turn the Panthers back into a dangerous opponent for other teams. I see some similarities between Moore and Romo, of course having to play the Saints and Falcons twice each is a tough task. I included the Falcons in there because they could surprise some people this year.

Tampa Bay is my pick for the number one overall pick. I can’t really specify exactly why (I don’t watch much Buc ball, so they could surprise me), I just don’t like their roster, Josh Freeman’s accuracy reminds me of J.P. Losman and this will keep to my theme of Florida teams finishing in last place.

NFC West
1. 49ers
2. Seahawks
3. Cardinals
4. Rams

Patrick Willis will have a Darrelle Revis-like boost to superstardom this year and the Niners will win pretty much win this division by default. You got to love Mike Singletary as a coach, but at the same time I can’t see them getting past the first round with Alex Smith at QB (I know he supposedly had a resurgent season last year, but I’ve seen that from other failed QBs too).

The Cardinals lost too much talent at key spots to be a serious playoff contender (Kurt Warner, Karlos Dansby, Anquan Boldin) and they’re basically going to have to hope Max Hall is the next Warner to have any success in the near future.

The major question in Seattle is, what week will it be before fans are starting websites like gobacktousc.com and firecarroll.org. I’m saying he goes strong until Week 11.

And the Rams… they’ve won six games the last three years and lost 1,458 (I didn’t look up that number, but seems about right). The bright side? I feel there’s a really Rams-based good drinking game waiting to be created, cease the day Ram fans!

MVP
Aaron Rodgers

I started the Rodgers for MVP bandwagon, I swear.

Offensive Rookie of the Year
C.J. Spiller

Ryan Matthews and Jahvid Best are solid bets too, but I got to be a homer hear and pick Spiller. He’s going to become a superstar and make Bills games exciting again. Even in preseason you could hear the home crowd’s excitement every time he touched the ball. I’ve always been a fan of running backs and especially speedy, highlight reel players, I’m beyond pumped that the Bills finally have one. Seriously, I’m guessing Spiller will be on the cover of Madden 14. (Right after him and Andrew Luck lead the Bills to a shocking Super Bowl victory?)

Defensive Rookie of the Year
Brandon Graham

It’ll be close between Graham and Suh, the former Michigan star will win because he’ll wreak some havoc on quarterback in Philadelphia’s system.

Super Bowl
Colts vs. Packers…. Wait, no, that’s too easy. I had the Packers pegged as a Super Bowl team since the season ended but now the trendy pick. That never works out. For the past few years, the pattern has been a mainstay franchise in the AFC and a surprise in the NFC. So..

Colts vs. Falcons

The year of Matt Ryan! Almost. He has a monster postseason, people start picking the Falcons to upset the Colts just to be different. But we’re do for a vengeance season from a Super Bowl loser. This time the Colts don’t let an NFC South surprise wrestle the championship away from them.

Super Bowl Champion: Colts

P.S. Isn’t it great to have football back?

The Official 2009 Riding the Pine NFL (Super) Preview

"Congratulations Universe, you win!"

That was my response to hearing that the Buffalo Bills (my favorite team) had signed Mr. Terrell Owens (T.O. - one of my least favorite players and a Riding the Pine go-to joke). I quickly talked myself into the move and I do like, really. It was the right thing to do and should help Buffalo's stagnant offense. And honestly, maybe the Bills (especially Jauron and Edwards) need to be called out by someone, maybe the Bills need that passion, that fire (they don't really need that egotism though...).

Anyway, my point is that I shouldn't have been that shocked. The NFL always has a few surprises up it's sleeve - it's universe will always surprise and baffle us. So, won't it happen again? Most don't seem to think so. For instance, take a look at other season predictions nearly everyone I have read has the Patriots winning the Super Bowl. Really? What a boring, predictable selection. Predictable isn't always a bad thing, the Pats are the favorites and I wouldn't be surprised at all to see them win the Super Bowl (I would however, punch a hole in my living room wall the size of T.O.'s ego).

Now, I've seen some crazy picks as the team NE will beat... Chicago, New Orleans, the Las Vegas Locomotives. That just makes no sense, why show all this respect to the Patriots but completely dismiss the other powerhouses of the league, the consistently good teams?

I noticed a trend last year in all the major sports. There were surprise teams in every league including two of the historically (at least for a short history in one case)awful, laughingstock franchises reaching the championship game: The Tampa Bay (non-Devil) Rays and the Arizona Cardinals. Both had very legitimate chances to win too. But in the end it was traditional teams from more reknonwed cities winning. Older franchises that have tasted plenty of glory in the past: the Steelers, the Phillies, the Lakers, the North Carolina Tar Heels, The Penguins, the Gators, whatever WNBA team won the title. So in the end the stalwart franchises prevail. It would be fortune in some cases if this trend continued (go Yankees!) but wouldn't be good for my Bills and Sabres. However, I think it will continue, to certain extent anyway...

Enough build-up, here's this year's preview (I'm calling it a super preview for obvious reasons) and here's to eternal hope that our favorite team will rattle the universe with a improbable Super Bowl victory! (That goes out to everyone but NE, Miami, Jets and Cowboys fans... I hope your teams lose every game. Jerks.)

Part One:

AFC

AFC East
1. You know
2. Miami Dolphins (ugh)
3. BUFFALO BILLS
4. Jersey Jets

This summer I breezed through the Battlestar Gallactica DVDs on Netflix (amazing show), and I can to an important realization. Bill Belichick is a cylon! There's no other explanation, I think Robert Kraft and Roger Gooddell both know about it and continue to do nothing. Al Davis obviously had no clue because he continues to allow NE to rip him off in trades. So, unfortunately, I have to pick the Patriots as division champs again. But I'm holding out hope that the return of the red and white Patriot Pat uniforms (I admit, they're pretty cool) will mean the return of the Patriots playing like they normally did in the gear (sucky).

I have no idea why I always get some pumped for the Bills games against NE, I'm already counting the days until the Monday Night opener (I'm going to loathe waiting all the way through Monday though). But deep down, I'm very pessimistic, in fact I can't see anyway the Bills can win this game. That's why I'm loading up on beer before hand.

But that brings me to my new outlook on the Bills this season, I'm trying something new out. If you've read my past previews, you would have noticed that I twice picked the Bills to make the playoffs. They finished 7-9 both times. I genuinely believed that they were a good team, definitely a playoff team, and maybe a team that could be the year's surprise Super Bowl contestant. The Bills did an awesome job raising these hopes (a 5-1 start, looking like a team of destiny against an undefeated Dallas squad on Monday Night Football), but they crushed these hopes like a swift kick to the groin. And, that's how I've equated being a Bills fan these past few years... it's like being continually pummeled in the groin. Well, no more suffering! I've decided to buy a cup! To put it simply, I'm curbing my enthusiasm, thinking negatively, the keg is half empty, damn it! This way, I'll be less prone to disappointment, they can only surprise me. And everyone likes surprises.

Now, will this work? Probably not, but I'm sure as well not going to predict a playoff birth for Buffalo (even with that Alex Van Pelt magic). In fact, I'm going to say that they won't see the playoffs as long as Dick Jauron is around. It sucks that the nice guys, the guys you'd like to root for, just aren't as good as coaches as the loathsome (possibly evil robot) coaches. To stick with the BSG analogy, the Patriots are the Cylons and the Bills are Caprica - a once proud entity that gets completely destroyed by a more powerful force that surprises them, overpowers them and just simply outsmarts them.

(LOST spoiler: It's all right, once Juliet destroys Jug head and resets the timeline, then both the Bills and Sabres will have avoided all those heartbreakers. There, I feel better already.)

Oh yeah, the Jets and Dolphins are in this division too. Well, I think Miami is well coached, and they could be a feisty opponent. I didn't expect Pennington to be that great last year. They'll flirt with the playoffs, but they're not at an elite level and I don't think their knocking at that specific door either. The Jets are headed in a direction that scares me, but for this year, I think they're overrated and will battle Buffalo for 3rd in the division. Ultimately, they'll show plenty of positives but won't have a record that is much better than mediocre. There's a lot of hype around Sanchez, and I have the feeling that he'll be a pretty good one, but he won't have Ryan or Flacco success. I mean, even Peyton Manning was 3-13 his first year. The silver lining is that, if Sanchez happens to be a bust than the Dirty Sanchez jokes will be all the funnier (PS I know that joke is a little too easy, but hey if it works... Artie Lange didn't let that stop him from using the "Tony Homo" routine on his infamous Joe Buck appearance, and apparently people liked that.)

AFC North
1. Pittsburgh Steelers
2. Baltimore Ravens
3. Cincy Bengals
4. Cleveland Browns

Oops, did I really pick the Browns to win this division last year? I'm not making that mistake this year. I think the Ravens will be a nasty team this year - a classic smash-mouth, hard-hitting defensive team that no one will want to face in the playoffs. Except Pittsburgh, that is. They won't mind, mainly because they're the new Patriots. Roethsliberger is now the guy that just always finds a way to win. He doesn't put up staggering numbers (they're Pro Bowl worthy, but not MVP/video game-like stats), but if you watch him then you can see how great this guy is. It actually makes me more bitter about the 2004 draft, you know the one where the Steelers and Bills both finished 6-10 the year before but the Steelers picked 11th, the Bills 13th. They got Big Ben, we later traded a bunch picks to get back in the first round and draft the current QB for the Vegas Locomotives, J.P. Losman. After repeatedly bashing my face into a wall, I finally realized that this is just how things work. Teams like the Steelers will always have this kind of luck, other teams will not be as fortunate.

Speaking of unlucky teams, the Bengals and Browns will finish third and forth respectively (or maybe unrespectively). The Bengals aren't a good team, but they aren't that bad either, certainly not as bad as last year. Carson Palmer was on the fast track to greatness, but injuries have wreaked havoc on him and his team. Again, some teams are just have-nots. It doesn't help when you have shoddy ownership and a team notorious for its slew of arrests. One possible bright side, may be 2nd round pick Rey Mauluga. He seems like he could be a steal despite the fact that teams like the Chargers, Ravens and Patriots passed on him. One more Bengal note, is it just me or does Andre Smith seem like the second coming of Mike Williams (not a good thing, Mr. Smith)?

I think the league is a little more fun when teams like the Browns, Bills and Steelers are all good. For most of this decade, that hasn't been the case though and the Browns aren't very good now (I was considering putting D-III super team the Mt. Union Purple Raiders ahead of the Browns, but then I wouldn't be able to recycle that same joke later in the column). Mangini is a bad a coach as Jauron and he probably won't do any better than Romeo Crennel, another former Patriot Defensive coordinator was in Cleveland.

AFC South
1. Colts (I'm really being risky with these division winners obviously)
2. Houston Texans
3. Tennessee Titans
4. Jacksonville Jaguars

I don't know. I can't quite figure this one out. Without Dungy, Indy will finally be on the decline, right? But, wait, they still have Manning. And Tennessee, I've had a feeling they'd be good the past few years, but I liked them less than other teams in the division so I slotted them at the bottom of the division. Is this the year Houston finally breaks through? Was last year a fluke for Jacksonville? Or was the year before? I just don't know.

I guess my thinking is this, as long as the Colts have Manning they'll be good, as long as the Patriots have Brady, they'll be good, etc. The Colts ended strong last year and I wasn't real discouraged by their playoff loss at San Diego. I won't pick them to win the Super Bowl again, but I do think they'll take the division.

Houston will challenge for a Wild Card spot again. They won't finish 8-8 again, but it'll fall on either side of that - 7-9 or 9-7. I'm not convinced that Schaub is the franchise and he does have problems staying healthy. They do have some franchise guys though, Mario Williams, Andre Johnson and possibly Steve Slaton.

Make no mistake, the Titans will be good again. But you can be a good team and still miss the playoffs in this league. Jeff Fisher is still one of the best and their defense should still be solid even without Haynesworth. But Kerry Collins? I can't see them getting real far with him, sorry, I guess that's Karma for the "Music City Illegal Forward Pass."

The Jags will be better than last year, but their coach looks exactly like Shooter McGavin, and we all know Shooter's fate...

AFC West
1. San Diego Chargers
2. USC Trojans
3. Oakland Raiders
4. Denver Broncos
5. Kansas City Chiefs

The Chargers take this division with more authority than last year's 8-8 clunker. I still can't see them toppling the rest of the AFC field and making it to the big game in Miami at the end of the year.

I'm obviously just kidding about USC, I have no idea how good they'll be this year. Starting a freshman QB is always a risk even for a superpower like Pete Carroll's squad.

I picked the Chiefs last, but I think they're headed in the right direction, in fact I almost picked them to finish second behind the Chargers. There's definitely some concerns, but there's a lot of things to like too, including Scott Pioli and their fiery new coach, former Cards offensive coordinator Todd Haley. It's nice to work with Belichick, but I think Pioli probably had a lot to do with New England's success and I'm not going to doubt his abilities. But it'll take more than one season to rebuild the Chiefs and Matt Cassel remains a question mark (for both health reasons and for the fact that he no longer has New England's awesome supporting cast). Still, playing at Arrowhead is never fun for opponents and the Chiefs will almost certainly pull off some upsets there.

The Raiders have some talent and I think they'll win enough games to finish behind the Chargers. However, they're too dysfunctional to win more than 6 or 7 games and I'm not a huge fan of Tom Cable as a head coach.

Wait, head coaches destined to fail? That sounds like you Josh McDaniels. Those Patriot coordinators have done, for the most part, an awful job after graduating from the school of Belichick. They've done almost as bad as players that have left the esteemed institution (they must miss that pristine cafeteria and it's excellent HGH breakfast burritos). So, that's one strike against McDaniels and the fact that I'm guessing most Broncos fans are enraged that he ripped apart the only positive from last years team (offense), swapped Jay Cutler for Kyle Orton (I know that got a bunch of picks too, but that doesn't really help my point, does it?) is another strike. I'm guessing the third strike comes when the Broncos have a disastrous season and have Pat Bowlen questioning why he fired (future Bills coach?*) Mike Shannahan.

* - only the future coach if Bill Cowher turns down the job. We know Jauron won't be the coach, right? right?

Part 2
NFC

NFC East
1. New York Giants
2. Philadelphia Eagles
3. Washington Redskins
4. Dallas Cowboys

You can find flaws for every team, but that doesn't mean they aren't a good team. Each one of these teams is flawed, but also extremely talented. This is still the top division in football. Is there an NFC Champion in the bunch? Or a Super Bowl winner? Well...

The Giants were a regular season powerhouse last year, but came up empty in the postseason. Still, they have a great team and I think they'll repeat as division champs (of course I picked them to finish last in the division the year they won the Super Bowl).

Donovan McNabb is one of my favorite players, but I don't think he'll win a Super Bowl. Signing/trading for big names like Jason Peters and Michael Vick is always the way to go, and besides I'm still bitter about Peters shitty performance last year. My only hope is that Demetrius Bell turns out to be better than Peters, signs a contract bigger than Peters and then builds a house right next to Peters only twice as large, and hangs a solid gold sign in his front yard that says, "Suck it, Peters!" I think that sounds reasonable.

Washington and Dallas will have similar records, neither will make the playoffs. Even though, I picked the Cowboys to finish last, I by no means think they're a bad team. But, you have to admit it is might sweet to see Jerry Jones look like a fool. Besides, even if they did make the playoffs they would end up getting bounced in the first round like a punt off their poorly placed score board (Yep).

NFC North
1. Green Bay Packers
2. Minnesota Vikings
3. Chicago Bears
4. Detriot Lions

The other day at work we were talking about Batman. One of my co-workers was listing villians and this what he said, "You have the Joker, Bookworm, Mr. Freeze-" I cut him off there. What? Bookworm? That sounds made up (and sounds like the lamest villain ever). I was sure that I was a victim of some practical joke, I mean when did Batman start beating up on nerds? However...



Oh, man. Fucking Bookworm, are you kidding me? Anyway. my point is that the Detroit Lions are the Bookworm of the NFL. They're pushovers, more of a punchline than a threat. And I don't like this. I've always liked the Lions because I was a big Barry Sanders fan (who wasn't), and I didn't get as much joy out of their 0-16 as I would have if the Dolphins finished 0-16 (and this is a good time to remind you that they did finish 1-15 just two years ago. Good times). Matt Millen could have read all the books he wanted and he still would have been the worst GM in history (not just NFL history). The only book he did read seemed to be "How to Suck." I certainly hope they're on the right track, but that will mostly depend on if they can build a solid, reliable offensive and defensive line and of course, on Matthew Stafford. I find it funny that most people are automatically assuming that Mark Sanchez will be better than Stafford seemingly just because he was drafted by the Lions. Sadly, I can't say that I disagree.

On to the Bears... Peter King picked the Bears to go to the Super Bowl. Bold, but I don't see it. This is also a good point to mention that I took the Peter King challenge on SI.com last year and kicked his ass. I finished somewhere tied for 18th overall (I think, I don't remember that exact position) and he finish somewhere closer to 1,000th place. Chalk one up for Riding the Pine!

I try not to put too much stock into preseason, but if someone else does, that's fine with me, why would I care? I just think you have to be consistent. For instance, King was getting on the Bills case because how much their offense has sucked in the preseaon (which is a very valid point, because they were awful and both Walker and Schoenert paid for it). But the only team they looked good against was the Bears... who he picks to go to the Super Bowl. Edwards actually outplayed Cutler in that one (it was Cutler's first game as a Bear). The Bills played brilliantly last preseason against the Steelers, Edwards looked great and the starting D terrorized Big Ben, but it didn't matter in the real season when the Bills were finishing 7-9 and the Steelers were winning another Super Bowl.

Of course, one team that looked fantastic in preseason when I watched them was the Packers. That's not why I picked them first though (I'm no hypocrite). I know Favre won't want to finish behind them and I can understand why people pick the Vikings in this division. I've always had a fondness for great running backs and Adrian Peterson definitely falls into that category. But the Packers have that look of a "bounce-back team," one that goes from 6-10 to 11-5 and division champs (or something like that). When Rodgers was sitting behind Favre all those years and even when he was drafted, he reminded me of Losman. Naturally, I thought he would be a bust. I was wrong. And that's something I'm going to keep in mind for my playoff picks - my gut has been wrong. A lot. So, I'm pulling a George Costanza, doing the opposite of what I think is right. Hey, it got him a job with the Yankees...

And before I close up on this division I have to say that I - like everyone else - am sick of Favre's antics. However, when I heard he was flirting with the Vikings, I got a little excited. I mean, come on. Favre against the Packers. At Lambeau. As a Viking. No wonder ESPN has a constant Favre boner.

NFC South
1. New Orleans Saints
2. Atlanta Falcons
3. Carolina Panthers
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I've been a big Jake Delhomme fan ever since his awesome performance in the 2004 Super Bowl against New England. But man, that playoff performance was brutal. The Panthers won't get far this year and will look for a new quarterback. Tampa got their new signal caller, but to me the move to reach for Josh Freeman reminded me of the Bills getting J.P. Losman. Of course, I thought the same thing when the Packers picked Aaron Rodgers....

The Saints and Falcons are clearly the best teams in the division and I give the slight edge to the Saints because I think this is the year that Drew Brees wins MVP.

NFC West
1. Arizona Cardinals
2. Seattle Seahawks
3. San Francisco 49ers
4. St. Louis Rams

A boring division, so a short write up here...
Cardinals break the Super Bowl losing team curse, because let's face it, no one is cursed when they're in such a bad division. If the good Kurt Warner shows up (not the washed-up Giants version) the Cards will be a sleeper pick to make it back to the Super Bowl (and probably lose again).

The Seahawks won't be too bad, but the Niners and Rams will. The Rams started this decade as a surprise juggernaut and will end it as the Lions competition for the number one overall pick (again).

Part 3
Awards:
MVP - Brees
D-MVP - Troy Polamalu

Coach of the year - Mike McCarthy

Super Bowl
New York Giants over Baltimore Ravens

The pattern continues... let's just hope it's not too accurate because another Cowboys title would be another reason why if the technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ever comes to fruition, Bills fans will be the number one buyers.

No. No matter what - after this pitiful decade of Buffalo Bills football (and more Dick Jauron!), we'll definitely need this technology.

The Official 2008 Riding the Pine NFL Preview

Yeah, I know. The NFL season has technically already begun. But really, did Thursday night's Redskins-Giants game feel like regular season football? No, no it didn't didn't. You would have been better off watching reruns of The Office then watching that game, thanks in large part to the Washington Redskins and their ultra-conservative, minimually productive offense. They certainly stole the Steve Fairchild gameplan: run, run, short pass, punt, lose.

So forget that, this Sunday brings a slate of intriguing games. And doesn't the first Sunday of football seem like a holiday? All that anticipation, savoring each moment off pointless pregame hype by ESPN, Fox, CBS (and I guess the NFL Network too)before watching your favorite team unwrap their new offseason toys and start a quest to make history. And then of course, that anticipation turns to disapointment for most teams (especially for us Bills fans) as you watch enough baffling playcalling, pourous defense, careless turnovers to grab another beer (or ten) from the fridge.

We know the dissapointment will come eventually, it does for 31 fanbases every year. But we watch anyway. Why? Because if Eli Manning can win a Super Bowl, then so can your team. (Except for you Miami, there's better chance that fictional Miami bloodsplatter anaylaist Dexter Morgan will take his knife to Bill Parcells than the Dolphins have of winning more than six games.)

Not a second too late, here are my predictions that are sure to be way off, but are just too much fun to write or read that I have to do it...

AFC

AFC East
predicted finish:
1. (It pains me to type again...) New England Patriots*
2. Buffalo Bills
3. New (Jersey) Jets
4. The Miami 1-15's

I was reading something from last year's preview that made me decide to start this explanation from the bottom. About Cam Cameron and the Dolphins, I wrote: "As for the Dolphins, they're going to be bad this year. I'll leave it at that."

It turns out they were historically bad, pathetic really. Only the ineptitude of Brian Billick and the Ravens kept the Dolpins away from what would have been a glorious 0-16 season. So now all of a sudden a guy name "Tuna" is going to rescue the Dolphins? Come on! There's no doubt they'll be better than last year, how could they not, in fact they'll give some teams some troubles. I'm positive the Bills will have at least one close game with them this year. But the bottom line is, they'll still be losing. The fans that "fill up" half of Dolphin stadium will devasted. (But like I said earlier with each loss, they can still hope that Dexter will chose to go after true evil: Bill Belichick.)

Anyway, the AFC East, as a whole, is better than last year. Yet, I still think it will finish in the smae order. Last year, I predicted the order correctly (when most people incorrectly thought the Bills were inferior to the Jets... wow, that seems familiar)and I was close to nailing the Bills record. I said 8-8 or 9-7 and earning the final Wild Card spot. They finished 7-9 (argh, again) and were a two cololosal (mess)-ups away from 9-7 (damn you Denver and Dallas games.

So with caution I'm going to pick the Bills for the Wild Card again this year. My reasoning is this: they have to better than last year, right? They have an easier schedule, heatlhier team (knock on wood), more talent, and Trent Edwards has the look of one of those QBs who frustrate other teams because his stats aren't great, he isn't on Sportscenter a lot, but his team wins a lot. I'm thinking a young (and I mean young, not the freak touchdown machine years) Tom Brady or Ben Roesthislberger. Now, those guys both won Super Bowls in their respective second years, this is Edwards second year. I'm just saying...

Again, it's that optimism thing. Why else would someone compare a second-year, third-rounder, with a history of injuries on a team that hasn't made the playoffs since 2000, to a future hall of famer and a perennial Pro Bowler? Teams like the Rams of 99 and Giants of last year are to blame for this phenominom - they give too many teams (and by teams I mean the fan base of these teams) false hope that this will be their year. Because (cynic alert) in all liklihood it won't be.

I really do like this Bills team though. They just have to show that they can stay healthy, manage to not shoot themselves in the cleat (that means you Jason Peters), and not to put starters on the IR because of spite (I'll hold off going into detail about the Angelo Crowell situation since no one seems to know what's really going on here. But I'm hoping it's not as bad, or bushleague, as it sounds).

I could go on talking about the Bills, but I'll save some of that for the regular season. As for the Jets... well, they remind me of the Bills during the Tom Donahue era. Signing big name free agents, tossing money around to washed-up former Pro Bowlers, and speaking of washed up older Pro Bowlers, trading for one to play QB. Granted, these Jets have a better offensive line than those Bills (because Donahue mostly ignored that aspect of football) and even a almost 40-year old Favre is better than the Bledsoe version 33.0. But those Bills team had a really good defense (better than this year's Jet's D) that kept them in games. When all is said and done I'm thinking 7-9 or maybe 8-8 for the Jets because they too have an easy schedule. I wouldn't be sursprised if they were worse than that though and I would be shocked if they end up making the playoffs. In fact, I think the only way for them to make the playoffs is through some league/ESPN conspiracy to get Favre into the playoffs. Which would never - wait a second, I could definitly see that happening.

(One more thing about Favre. I'm wondering about the fact that the Jets recievers are used to catching lob shots from Pennington and are now going to catch fastballs from Favre. Will one preseason be enough to make that adjustment? I say no. The Jets will lead the laegue in dropped passes.)

On to the next Division...wait, you're wondering why I'm only talking about three of the four AFC East teams. I thought that was required since most of the so-called previews of this division I've watched have only talked about three teams and acted like the remaining team was unimportant. I don't know if it's a coincidence but the team that all these networks/websites neglected was the Bills. Well, okay, I'm choosing to ignore the Patriots.

AFC North
Predicted Finish
1. Cleveland Browns
2. Pittsburgh Steelers
3. Baltimore Ravens
4. Cincinatti Bengals (also known as the Bangalas de Cincinatti)

I messed up the Browns pick last year, but even worse is that I just found out that I used the Dexter joke in last year's column too (weak). Anyway, it's risky picking the Browns this year, they went from being everyone's surprise pick (albeit not much of a surprise since they were 10-6 and robbed of the playoffs last year) to team that is overrated. All because of a tough schedule and a weak preseason.

Well, the Steelers have a tough 17 weeks too and they didn't impress me with their preseason performance against Buffalo in Toronto either. However, I do think that the QB simply known as "Big Ben" has passed Carson Palmer as the best quarterback in the division. Derek Anderson is good too, no fluke like some have suggested, but he does have to tone down the turnovers and be more consistant - that's the case for most young signal callers though. Joe Flacco is way, way, way behind all of them so far. The Ravens better be patient with him or it may seem like they have another Kyle Boller sized bust, when in fact the young man just needs time to learn and develop.

The Bengals seem like a mess, so I picked them to finish last but they could have flip-flop with Baltimore or the two teams could have the same record. Either way, both won't be good and Marvin Lewis probably won't be the coach too much longer. He might be better off coaching a better run organization anyway.

Here's my thoughts on the receiver fromerly known as Chad Johnson and the headache currently known as Chad Ocho Cinco. He wants to be traded he says. Well what happens if he gets traded to a team with a player who already wears 85. If I was that player I would refuse to sell him that number no matter how much he offered. The humor of Ocho Cinco wearing 86, 87 or anything else besides 85 is just too great. (And I know other agree with me because I've seen this same point in other sports columns, but still it's the first thing I thought of when I heard the name change so I had to put it in here).

AFC South
Predicted Finish
1. Indy Colts
2. Jacksonville Jags
3. Tennesse Titans (Home of the Home-run illegal forward pass-back)
4. Houston Texans

Every team in this division is good. But only one has Peyton Manning.

Like many, I was tempted to say that this is the year that Jacksonville passes Manning, Dungy and crew. The Jags will be tough for everyone to handle, but I can't put them at the level with the Colts, Patriots, or even Chargers, yet. I love the way their team plays, physical, smash mouth, crushing defense, but I would be one of the people calling shenanagins if a team with a fanbase as palrty as Jacksonville's gets to bask in the euphoria of a Super Bowl Championship before the us die-hards in Western New York.

Their D is great (although hopefully they'll miss Marcus Stroud), their running game is terrific and I like Garrard as their Quarterback. But their recievers are suspect and they'll have some problems outside of the game, most recently with the shooting of Collier. So at this point they're still a wild card. A very good wild card team.

As for the Titans, they're also very good. They're led by a strong defense and an excellant coach. Furthermore, I think Vince Young will be a very good quarterback in this league (right now he has a very good W-L record, mediocre stats and a ton of critics). I still thought Cleveland deserved that final playoff spot last year instead of the Titans, and this year Jeff Fisher's crew will be the odd team out.

Houston has a good young team, I think they're still a few years off though. I'll admit it was fun last year to waatch this team and DE Mario Williams give a Texas-sized middle finger to all the people out there that thought they were insane for not picking Bush. I still think they might have wanted to go with Young, mainly because I'm not sold on Matt Shaub yet, but almost every team in the league would kill to have a player like Super Mario. Especially after the Giants showed last year how important a relentless pass rush can be.

It's just too bad they play in one of the toughest, competitive divisions in the league.

AFC West
Predicted finish
1. San Diego (Super) Chargers
2. Denver Broncos
3. Oakland Raiders
4. Kansas City Chiefs

The Chargers should win this division easily. I picked them as the champs last year and they didn't come through. They did (and actually still do) have some key injuries but really worried me was their cowardly coaching. I call it "pussy ball." It's when a team plays overly conservative to try and minimize mistakes but they're really just killing themselves with predictablity. Dick Jauron is guilty of this too, and that worries me (playing "pussy ball" and injuries are my biggest concerns for the Bills). The Redskins employed this method on Thursday night too, it didn't work out.

Here's another reason I think the super talented Chargers won't make it to the Super Bowl, and it doesn't have anything to do with Shawne Merriman's knee. It's more of a hunch, a feeling if you will. It happened recently in the NHL with the Buffalo Sabres and in the NBA with the Phoenix Suns; a talented offensive jaugernaut rules the regular season, looks unbeatable at times and have fans thinking championship. Only in the end, those same fans are left wondering how a team with so much talent, and so many wins, could fail to even make the championship round. They're frequent guests in the Conferance championship round but a freak amalgamtion of bad luck and injuries allows another team to steal the title.

I had to suffer through it with the Sabres, Suns fans had to live through it, and I'm afraid the same thing will happen to the Chargers. I hope it doesn't because for the most part I like them more than Indy or definitly more than New England. But I believe in these sort of parallels, but don't worry Bolt fans I'm sure Ladanian Tomlinson has a more optimistic view.

If my aforementioned analogy is right (which it almost certainly is) than Denver, Oakland and KC aren't going to come close to San Diego. Denver should be decent, Jay Cutler is a good young player to have leading your team. He's far from elite, but could take a team to the playoffs. The Raiders should be better than last year and Darren McFadden will be exciting to watch, not as good as Adrian Peterson, like some expect, but still a Rookie of the Year favorite (not necessarily the winner though).

The Chiefs will be bad. Arrowhead Stadium should still give some teams headaches so they'll squeeze out enough wins to avoid being being the team to pick 1st in next year's draft. They'll be in the top five though, regardless of the health of Larry Johnson too.

NFC

NFC East
Predicted finish
1. New (Jersey) Giants
2. Dalla$ Cowboy$
3. Philadelphia Eagles
4. Washington "I swear I had them in last even before the sucked it up on Thrus. night" Redskins

I picked the Giants to finish last, last year. They won the Super Bowl. So I'm picking them first this year. Hey, what can I say it's a tough division to play in and a tough on to prognasticate.

The Eagles were my NFC team last year, they'll challenge for a playoff spot again. They're hard to peg because their season depends on the health of Donovon McNabb. He could be the MVP or he could miss half the season...

The Skins will struggle (see above) but they're far from being awful. And that leaves the Cowboys.

I'm seeing this team pegged as not only a Super Bowl favorite, but also as the team to win it all. And if that's not enough everyone is picking Romo to win the MVP. Usually when a guy chokes in every big game he's played, the media are all over him. But I guess if it's a nice story and he plays for the Cowboy$, so I guess he's a surefire Super Bowl MVP and one of the best players in the league. Are you kidding me?

Romo had a flat-out awesome regular season last year (besides the fact that he was scared of the crazies in Orchard park), but so did Daunte Culpepper a few years ago. Now Culpepper is retired. I certainly hope that Romo doesn't get hurt like that and share the same fate, but it goes to show you that one great year doesn't mean that Romo is in the same league with Manning and Brady. Despite what ESPN might think, he's not even the most proven QB in his division (that would be Eli Manning, you know, the guy that won the Super Bowl MVP in the real world).

That being said, I think I may see why these pundits like him so much (besides the fact that he has a star on his helmet). His story is a good one. He works hard and isn't smug like Brady or pompous like TO. I would probably root for him but again, he has that star on his helmet, so I won't. Wade Phillips is an easy guy to root for too, the Bills shouldn't have canned him when they did. Unfortunatly for him, Jason Garrett is going to be the head coach next year.

(Olympic side note for a sec, because a) they were awesome and I never wrote about them and b) Usain Bolt looks a little like TO and acts a lot like TO. Bolt has one of the potentially greatest names ever, but why has it not been legally changed to Lightning Bolt. That would be cheesy for anyone else, but for the fastest person on the planet, it's badass. He could, and should, get a Lightning Bolt tattoo on his skull and still be badass. No wonder the Jamacians are better on the track, their fastest guy has a cool name like Bolt, our guys are named Gay and Dix... Whatever, Bolt would get crushed in the NFL. Take that Jamaca! Last Olympic note: I'm glad weren't too many incidents involving the US and China, you know, because of the whole Jack Bauer situation.)

NFC North
Predicted finish
1. Minnesota Vikings
2. Green Bay (wait.. Favre's not our QB anymore?)Packers
3. Detroit Lions
4. Chicago Bears

This will be one of the more exciting division races. I have the Vikes winning it and the Packers taking one of the wild card spots. I still have the Packers winning the Monday Night opener in Lambeu though. Let's hope Adrian Peterson can stay healthy, I'd love to see what he could do in a full 16 game schedule.

For the Pack, Aaron Rodgers reminds me a lot of JP Losman. Take that for what its worth. Also it concerns me that he has been hurt numerous times in his career while backing up a guy that, you know, never missed a game! How did he get hurt all the time without playing? How will he make it through the entire season? And how will the Brian Brohm/Matt Flynn tag-team fare in the regular season?

The Lions have talented players, but as long as Matt Millen is their GM I'll never pick them to make the playoffs.

The Bears? Well, I think they are a few months away from stating Devin Hester at quarterback.

NFC South
Predicted finish
1. New Orleans Saints
2. Tampa Bay Bucaneers
3. Carolina Panthers
4. Atlanta Falcons

This year's Super Bowl will be played in Tampa Bay, none of these teams will be there though. Sorry Bucs fans, you've already had your one Super Bowl for the decade. (Although Tampa is underrated and they don't get the respect they deserve. Anyway, I think they just barely miss the playoffs, but it could be a toss up between them and Green Bay.)

Carolina is an interesting team. I can see them being really good or really bad, so I'm predicting something in the middle (like 7-9 or 8-8). John Fox is on the hot seat, I've always thought of him as a good coach, so we'll see what he can do with this squad.

Atlanta will lose a lot. But Michael Turner could be a surprise Pro Bowl running back (albeit after some players drop out due to injuries) and Matt Ryan could be a surprise winner of the Rookie of the Year. He'll almost certainly get some sympathy votes.

The Saints will win the division, I like a lot of their offseason moves, but they won't be a strong threat to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl.

NFC West
Predicted finish
1. Seattle Seahawks
2. Arizona Cardinals
3. St. Louis Rams
4. San Fran 49ers

I think the Seahawks will lose their opening game to the Bills... but that won't stop them from making their second ever Super Bowl appearance. It's ironic that the NFC Super Bowl team would come from one of the weakest divisions in football. Seattle will win thanks to their awesome defense (Lofa Tatupu will win Defensive Player of the Year), Matt Hassleback carrying the offense for large stretches and because of coach Holmgren. Still, a banged up team, playing on the opposite coast will lose a close opener to another playoff team: the Buffalo Bills (or at least, I've talked myself into that).

Arizona will win some games over inferior opponents, but in the end their season will go down the tube like beer going down Matt Leinart's funnel. (Hey, he's just living the dream!)

The Rams will start the season out on another long (I mean looooooong) losing streak and still manage to edge out San Fran for last place.

Or will they.... In JT O'Sulliven we believe!

AFC Wild Card Teams
1. Jacksonville Jaguars
2. Buffalo Bills (hell yeah!)

NFC Wild Card Teams
1. Dallas Cowboys
2. Green Bay Packers

(...and if you're still reading) The Super Bowl
Indianapolis Colts over the Seattle Seahawks

The battle of retiring coaches is won by Dungy and the Colts on a last second controversial call that reverses an apparent Seahawk touchdown. Seattle fans, Bill Belichick and Clay Bennett are responsible for the blown call. All hell breaks loose.

And a month later Brett Favre retires...

Or does he?


(to be continued.... again)





*- Indicates a team of sinister cheaters who's pact with Lucifer is about to expire (hopefully)

The Official 2007 Riding the Pine NFL Preview

There's nothing like NFL football. When I was younger, a new NFL season met new hope for my favorite team, dominant, star-laden Bills team. It met the virtual Bills winning another Tecmo Super Bowl, with the unnamed RB #34 zig-zagging past the speedy 49ers defense.

In college a new NFL season meant waking up hungover Sunday around newish, hitting up brunch (gotta love the omelet bar) and lounging around all day watching football (and berating the refs for screwing over Buffalo on most Sundays).

Now, I'm not quite sure what a new season of football when have in store for me, or any of the other millions of NFL fans. One good thing, it brings hopes to all cities that their team can be the 99 Rams, the 00 Patriots, 03 Bucs, or any other team to explode out of nowhere and end the season on top of the world.

The wait is now over, and just for fun here are my picks for this season. Who knows, there may even be another underdog that baffles the pundits and wins the Championship...

AFC EAST
predicted order:
1. New England Patriots
2. Buffalo Bills
3. New York Jets
4. Miami Dolphins

I can't stand Brady, I can't stand Brusci, I can't stand Belichick, I can't stand any thing about the what the Patriots have become. I miss the days where they were the laughingstock of the league, 2 guaranteed victories (although rarely easy) for the Bills and I miss their comical red uniforms and goofy Patriot Pat logo.

Now they're perceived as a classy team just because they win a lot. There's no doubt that they're great and with a big free agent spending spree (and several crafty trades as well) the Pats will be good again. But there's not much classy about this organization. Nearly everytime I watch them, they're taunting opponents after victory, crying about the refs after losing (which is pretty ironic considering how many wins they have collected over the years with assistance from dubious officiating), and delivering cheap shots.

But none of that matters, as long as they have Brady and Belichick, then they will be a postseason threat - and unfortunately the frontrunners in the AFC East. However, they are without two key cogs in the defense (Harrison and Seymour) for the first quarter of the season and they're schedule is also somewhat difficult. They'll still win 11 or 12 games, but won't be the near perfect juggernaut that some people may think.

As for the rest of the division, the Bills were better than the Jets last year, but New York's schedule was considerably easier. New Jersey (oops, I mean New York) will be better this year and will be head-to-head with my Bills all year long. I think this is the year that Losman out plays the quarterbacks in Miami and New York and that will be enough to boost this young talented roster to second in the division and even be in the wildcard hunt.

Of course, the Bills are one of the teams that are the hardest to predict. The speedy defense could be a ball-hawking unit that gives up some yardage but always comes through in the clutch, or they could be a group of undersized youngsters that get ran all over and keep the equally unpredictable offense of the field. I say "equally unpredictable offense" because nobody knows how much improvement has been made by this year's version of the offensive line. That could make-or-break the rookie season of talented Cal back Marshawn Lynch. I think Lee Evans (and maybe Jason Peters or Derrick Dockery) will make the Pro Bowl and Losman's season will start buzz that he could be a top ten QB and a future Pro Bowler in the Quarterback loaded AFC.

The one constant in Buffalo is that the special teams will be awesome, Moorman is a legend at the punting position and this unit could be responsible for some extra wins and maybe even a few upsets. I just hope that coach Jauron will take a page from the book of Special teams coach Bobby April and play lay off the conservative stuff for some more aggressive and creative options.

I'm thinking 8-8 or 9-7 for the Bills, but since I'm optimistic, I'll send some positive karma to Orchard Park and predict a 9-7 finish for the Bills and a shot at breaking the playoff drought.

As for the Dolphins, they're going to be bad this year. I'll leave it at that.

AFC North
predicted order:
1. Pittsburgh Steelers
2. Baltimore Ravens
3. Cincinnati Bengals
4. Cleveland Browns

The Steelers will surprise this year with a new coach, but the same winning formula: a bonecrunching defense and a solid running game. Big Ben may be slightly overrated (he played horrible in Super Bowl XL and most of last year), but I still believe he's a good quarterback and with solid talent around him he has shown he can win some games.

The Ravens will still have a great defense and will be a tough game on anyone's schedule. But I don't see enough offensive talent for the to continue to be in the same stratosphere as the Big 3 (Colts, Pats, Chargers). Their McOffense, led by McNair and McGahee does not have enough skill to repeat their great season from last year.

The Bengals will be competitive in the division as well, in fact this is a division race that may go down to the final weeks. I could see them finishing with the same record as Baltimore even, but falling to 3rd in the division via the tiebreaker. And the Browns will struggle. I'm hoping that the young nucleus of this team will eventually ripen and turn let Cleveland out of their spot at the top of the draft every year. They will play at a Miami level this year though (which isn't good). But who knows maybe Brady Quinn will turn out to be the QB of the future and will make the citizens of Miami pull a Dexter on new coach Cam Cameron (by the way, Dexter is a great show).

AFC South
predicted order:
1. Indianapolis Colts
2. Houston Texans
3. Jacksonville Jaguars
4. Tennessee Titans

The Colts will dominate, the rest of the division is a toss-up. The Texans have a solid defense and I like their coach so I think they will surprise and finish around 7-9. Jacksonville will take a huge step down and so will the Titans. They'll both have similar records to Houston but none of them will make the playoffs. I really like the tandem of Vince Young and Jeff Fisher and I hate slating them to be last in the division (especially since they played so well against the Bills last year) but I think the overall talent in Nashville isn't sufficient enough to win enough games in this league.

AFC West
predicted order:
1. San Diego Chargers
2. Denver Broncos
3. Oakland Raiders
4. Kansas City Chiefs

The coaching changes in Bolt-land make me nervous, but there's enough talent their to win a Super Bowl. And with the will of players like Tomlinson and Merriman (even if he's not as good as the Steroid Shawne version) could lead to the unthinkable headline: Norv Turner Coaches Chargers to First Super Bowl Victory.

The Broncos will be good again, but will still have to fight for a playoff spot (and will eventually be doomed by their opening day loss to Buffalo?)

Both Oakland and Kansas City appear to be a mess. Poor Lane Kiffin. Poor Larry Johnson.

NFC East
predicted order:
1. Philadelphia Eagles
2. Dallas Cowboys
3. Washington Redskins
4. New York Giants

I don't get what everyone has against Donovon McNabb these days. He'll shut them up this year when he leads a talented Eagles squad back to the Super Bowl.

Dallas will be a streaky team, at times looking like a great team, and at times losing to teams that they should stampede over. In the end, they will fail to meet some lofty expectations and T.O. will blame everyone but himself and either a)star in a ESPN reality show or b) write a crappy egocentric book, in the offseason.

Speaking of failing to meet expectations, this will be the last years coaching in their respective cities for Tom Coughlin and Hall-of-Famer Joe Gibbs.

NFC North
predicted order:
1. Chicago Bears
2. Minnesota Vikings
3. Detroit Lions
4. Green Bay Packers

The Bears won't be as good as last year, but will still dominate the division. The Vikings will win despite some shaky play from Jackson (but will be boosted by super rookie Adrian Peterson) and the Lions and Packers will struggle. Maybe Detroit will even be prompted to extend Matt Millen's contract since that seems to be the tradition after each crappy season his teams have.

NFC South
predicted order:
1. New Orleans Saints
2. Carolina Panthers
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
4. Atlanta Falcons

The Saints will come out on top of the worst division in football. The Saints could go deep into the playoffs again, but I've been surprised to see so many people pick them to not only make it to the Super Bowl, but win it too. They're not that good, and I though that even before Thursday's 41-10 drubbing.

Last years trendy Super Bowl team, the Panthers, will miss the playoffs again this year. I thought Jake Delhomme outplayed Tom Brady in Super Bowl XXXVIII (and that's not a knock against the game's MVP), but he's clearly not the same guy now. He's probably not any better than backup David Carr at this point.

The Bucs could have as many QBs on their roster as wins (4), and the Falcons have Joey Harrington as their starting QB and the lingering effects of Michael Vick's disgusting acts against them.

On a somewhat side note, I recently finished reading A Confederacy of Dunces (a great read), and I thought that would be a great group name for athletes like Vick and (Ms.) Pacman Jones. For example, "wow did you see that Vick got sentenced to five years in prison and was inducted into the Confederacy of Dunces, NFL version. I think it would be fitting for Vick to have to wear a dunce cap around, and occasionally that same dunce cap would be filled with dog feces first (courtesy of the karma police). And my collection of dunces would also include Leonard Little, who is inexplicably still allowed to play football, even though he is responsible for ending someone's life. How can someone feel right about employing that guy, or rooting for him?

Anyway, now that that tangent is over on to the last remaining division:

NFC West
predicted order:
1. Seattle Seahawks
2. St. Louis Rams
3. San Francisco 49ers
4. Arizona Cardinals

This will be another competitive division. Seattle remains the best of the bunch, St. Louis will benefit from an MVP-type season from Steven Jackson, the Niners will be average. They'll show glimpses of taking it to the next level, but everybodys chic pick will disappoint in the end.

Matt Leinart will put up great numbers, he might even sneak into the Pro Bowl. But that won't translate to wins, the Cardinals are a far cry from USC, sorry.

AFC Wildcard teams:
Ravens
Bills (I couldn't resist, besides they need someone to have a little faith in them, they'll be this year's version of last year's Jets...only a little better)

NFC Wildcard teams:
1. Cowboys
2. Rams

Offensive Rookie of the Year:
Adrian Peterson (Lynch will still have an impressive year but won't take home this prize)

Defensive Rookie of the Year:
Paul Posluszny (he will be a tackling machine and an instant fan favorite)

MVP:
Peyton Manning (a boring pick, but he's too good and the Colts are too good. Plus I would make myself sick to the stomach if I picked Brady here)

Super Bowl: San Diego Chargers over Philadelphia Eagles (the heads of analysts everywhere explodes as Norv Turner does the impossible and gets the better of his coaching counterparts named Belichick, Dungy, Billick, Shanahan and Reid).


No matter what happens on opening Sunday it should be a great day. And even if the Bills lose, at least I can still laugh at the end of the day thanks to another grand return: the return of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

And as Larry David would say, this season should be prettay, prettay, prettay, good.

NFL Preview .... Coming Soon

Thursday marks the beginning of another NFL Season, which means another chance for the Buffalo Bills to shock the world and capture Vince Lombardi's Trophy.

So, am I predicting the unthinkable, do I actually think the rookie-laden squad of young Bills can claim sport's ultimate prize?

Well, I'll disclose that in my NFL Preview, which should be posted sometime before the Colts-Saints kick off the season Thursday night. I'll tell you on thing though, my Super Bowl pick does not include the popular pick of Patriots-Saints, I don't think either will get to the Bowl.

Also included in the preview, I'll put down my guesses for each division, awards, the great teams, the bad teams and the teams that everyone thinks will be good, but will suck.

And of course, there will be bonus material, including the beginning of a new era in Pittsburgh, not the Mike Tomlin era. The Steely McBeam era. Yes, it's true one of the most crazed mascots ever was in existence to make the cut in my mascot column in April, but just look at the picture of this guy. He makes the rabid Spurs mascot look like Mickey Mouse. Furthermore, if Steely becomes the first mascot to go on a murderous Grand Theft Auto type rampage because of his Cowher-esque chin and homoerotic name, then I don't tell you that I didn't warn you.

So make sure to check out the upcoming preview, and remember: if Appalachian St. can beat Michigan in the Big House, then why can't an underdog (like the Bills), win the Super Bowl?

I guess that's why they play the games.