Ahoy matties, did you know that today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day?
It's true, everyone in the world is talking like a pirate today, and if you're not they you my be walking the plank soon.
According to the always handy Wikipedia, this holiday was actually invented in 1995 by John Baur and Mark Summers as an inside joke and became nationally (and internationally) known thanks to the promotion of humor columnist Dave Berry in 2002.
And personally, I think it's a great idea. Who doesn't love pirates? They're fun, they do what they want, they rule the seas, they can be villains or they can be heroes. They can even get Johnny Depp an Academy Award nomination.
Sports has a few Pirate organizations (Pittsburgh Pirates, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Oakland Raider fans) and a few swashbuckling personalities. The baseball pirates have been drowning in mediocrity for about 15 years now (or ever since Barry Bonds left for the bay to become one of the most notorious, and notoriously hated, figures in baseball history). Ever since their Super Bowl Appearance in early 2003, The Bucs and Raiders have had their ships riddled by cannon sized problems too, not to mention a flurry of losses.
A tough, scrappy, never-say-die player is a pirate of sports. I could see gunslingers like Brett Favre or Kenny Stabler as pirates if they were born in the right era. Or what about some of the big maulers along the offensive or defensive line, like Mean Joe Greene or the Sam Adams, they would make some mean pirates.
And of course, you need a Captain Hook, pirate villain in sports. I think this villain is in the NFL as well. A often shrouded, secret-hoarding man, who cheats to get what he wants with the vigor that could only be pulled off by the most vile of pirates. And (for the most part) gets away with it.
Bill Belichick, you are Captain Hook. A technical savvy pirate, who is well versed in lying. And even though he is losing a portion of his treasure (a hefty fine and 1st round draft choice) he still gets to roam the sea and pillage other NFL ships.
It seems weird that a Patriot would have to use the way of the pirate to win, but in today's world, you win at any costs. I've always suspected the Patriots were cheating some how but my jealous delusions were mostly fixated on the fact that the referees could be accomplices to this villainous regime. Instead, Captain Belicheat sailed around the rulebook and used the aid of his trusty parrot (camera man)to steal team's signs.
After all, it is easy to attack someone when you know where their going to be. Ah yes, Davy Jones would be proud (or would New England owner Robert Kraft be Davy Jones in this pirate analogy?).
So the only question left is: who is going to be the Peter Pan/Orlando Bloom figure to take down Captain Belicheat and sink his ship of swines for good?
We know the affable Peyton Manning is up to the task (and for that matter Commissioner/Commodore Goodell isn't quite up to the task), and what about the beleaguered J.P. Losman and a desperate Buffalo Bills club on Sunday? With the hype surrounding the greatness of the Pats and the supposed dire situation in Buffalo, an epic upset could be in order, and this upset could the first push down the plank this merry band of victory thieves.
Now let me forget about sports for a second, and celebrate this holiday with a bottle of rum.
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