The Official 2007 Riding the Pine NFL Preview

There's nothing like NFL football. When I was younger, a new NFL season met new hope for my favorite team, dominant, star-laden Bills team. It met the virtual Bills winning another Tecmo Super Bowl, with the unnamed RB #34 zig-zagging past the speedy 49ers defense.

In college a new NFL season meant waking up hungover Sunday around newish, hitting up brunch (gotta love the omelet bar) and lounging around all day watching football (and berating the refs for screwing over Buffalo on most Sundays).

Now, I'm not quite sure what a new season of football when have in store for me, or any of the other millions of NFL fans. One good thing, it brings hopes to all cities that their team can be the 99 Rams, the 00 Patriots, 03 Bucs, or any other team to explode out of nowhere and end the season on top of the world.

The wait is now over, and just for fun here are my picks for this season. Who knows, there may even be another underdog that baffles the pundits and wins the Championship...

AFC EAST
predicted order:
1. New England Patriots
2. Buffalo Bills
3. New York Jets
4. Miami Dolphins

I can't stand Brady, I can't stand Brusci, I can't stand Belichick, I can't stand any thing about the what the Patriots have become. I miss the days where they were the laughingstock of the league, 2 guaranteed victories (although rarely easy) for the Bills and I miss their comical red uniforms and goofy Patriot Pat logo.

Now they're perceived as a classy team just because they win a lot. There's no doubt that they're great and with a big free agent spending spree (and several crafty trades as well) the Pats will be good again. But there's not much classy about this organization. Nearly everytime I watch them, they're taunting opponents after victory, crying about the refs after losing (which is pretty ironic considering how many wins they have collected over the years with assistance from dubious officiating), and delivering cheap shots.

But none of that matters, as long as they have Brady and Belichick, then they will be a postseason threat - and unfortunately the frontrunners in the AFC East. However, they are without two key cogs in the defense (Harrison and Seymour) for the first quarter of the season and they're schedule is also somewhat difficult. They'll still win 11 or 12 games, but won't be the near perfect juggernaut that some people may think.

As for the rest of the division, the Bills were better than the Jets last year, but New York's schedule was considerably easier. New Jersey (oops, I mean New York) will be better this year and will be head-to-head with my Bills all year long. I think this is the year that Losman out plays the quarterbacks in Miami and New York and that will be enough to boost this young talented roster to second in the division and even be in the wildcard hunt.

Of course, the Bills are one of the teams that are the hardest to predict. The speedy defense could be a ball-hawking unit that gives up some yardage but always comes through in the clutch, or they could be a group of undersized youngsters that get ran all over and keep the equally unpredictable offense of the field. I say "equally unpredictable offense" because nobody knows how much improvement has been made by this year's version of the offensive line. That could make-or-break the rookie season of talented Cal back Marshawn Lynch. I think Lee Evans (and maybe Jason Peters or Derrick Dockery) will make the Pro Bowl and Losman's season will start buzz that he could be a top ten QB and a future Pro Bowler in the Quarterback loaded AFC.

The one constant in Buffalo is that the special teams will be awesome, Moorman is a legend at the punting position and this unit could be responsible for some extra wins and maybe even a few upsets. I just hope that coach Jauron will take a page from the book of Special teams coach Bobby April and play lay off the conservative stuff for some more aggressive and creative options.

I'm thinking 8-8 or 9-7 for the Bills, but since I'm optimistic, I'll send some positive karma to Orchard Park and predict a 9-7 finish for the Bills and a shot at breaking the playoff drought.

As for the Dolphins, they're going to be bad this year. I'll leave it at that.

AFC North
predicted order:
1. Pittsburgh Steelers
2. Baltimore Ravens
3. Cincinnati Bengals
4. Cleveland Browns

The Steelers will surprise this year with a new coach, but the same winning formula: a bonecrunching defense and a solid running game. Big Ben may be slightly overrated (he played horrible in Super Bowl XL and most of last year), but I still believe he's a good quarterback and with solid talent around him he has shown he can win some games.

The Ravens will still have a great defense and will be a tough game on anyone's schedule. But I don't see enough offensive talent for the to continue to be in the same stratosphere as the Big 3 (Colts, Pats, Chargers). Their McOffense, led by McNair and McGahee does not have enough skill to repeat their great season from last year.

The Bengals will be competitive in the division as well, in fact this is a division race that may go down to the final weeks. I could see them finishing with the same record as Baltimore even, but falling to 3rd in the division via the tiebreaker. And the Browns will struggle. I'm hoping that the young nucleus of this team will eventually ripen and turn let Cleveland out of their spot at the top of the draft every year. They will play at a Miami level this year though (which isn't good). But who knows maybe Brady Quinn will turn out to be the QB of the future and will make the citizens of Miami pull a Dexter on new coach Cam Cameron (by the way, Dexter is a great show).

AFC South
predicted order:
1. Indianapolis Colts
2. Houston Texans
3. Jacksonville Jaguars
4. Tennessee Titans

The Colts will dominate, the rest of the division is a toss-up. The Texans have a solid defense and I like their coach so I think they will surprise and finish around 7-9. Jacksonville will take a huge step down and so will the Titans. They'll both have similar records to Houston but none of them will make the playoffs. I really like the tandem of Vince Young and Jeff Fisher and I hate slating them to be last in the division (especially since they played so well against the Bills last year) but I think the overall talent in Nashville isn't sufficient enough to win enough games in this league.

AFC West
predicted order:
1. San Diego Chargers
2. Denver Broncos
3. Oakland Raiders
4. Kansas City Chiefs

The coaching changes in Bolt-land make me nervous, but there's enough talent their to win a Super Bowl. And with the will of players like Tomlinson and Merriman (even if he's not as good as the Steroid Shawne version) could lead to the unthinkable headline: Norv Turner Coaches Chargers to First Super Bowl Victory.

The Broncos will be good again, but will still have to fight for a playoff spot (and will eventually be doomed by their opening day loss to Buffalo?)

Both Oakland and Kansas City appear to be a mess. Poor Lane Kiffin. Poor Larry Johnson.

NFC East
predicted order:
1. Philadelphia Eagles
2. Dallas Cowboys
3. Washington Redskins
4. New York Giants

I don't get what everyone has against Donovon McNabb these days. He'll shut them up this year when he leads a talented Eagles squad back to the Super Bowl.

Dallas will be a streaky team, at times looking like a great team, and at times losing to teams that they should stampede over. In the end, they will fail to meet some lofty expectations and T.O. will blame everyone but himself and either a)star in a ESPN reality show or b) write a crappy egocentric book, in the offseason.

Speaking of failing to meet expectations, this will be the last years coaching in their respective cities for Tom Coughlin and Hall-of-Famer Joe Gibbs.

NFC North
predicted order:
1. Chicago Bears
2. Minnesota Vikings
3. Detroit Lions
4. Green Bay Packers

The Bears won't be as good as last year, but will still dominate the division. The Vikings will win despite some shaky play from Jackson (but will be boosted by super rookie Adrian Peterson) and the Lions and Packers will struggle. Maybe Detroit will even be prompted to extend Matt Millen's contract since that seems to be the tradition after each crappy season his teams have.

NFC South
predicted order:
1. New Orleans Saints
2. Carolina Panthers
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
4. Atlanta Falcons

The Saints will come out on top of the worst division in football. The Saints could go deep into the playoffs again, but I've been surprised to see so many people pick them to not only make it to the Super Bowl, but win it too. They're not that good, and I though that even before Thursday's 41-10 drubbing.

Last years trendy Super Bowl team, the Panthers, will miss the playoffs again this year. I thought Jake Delhomme outplayed Tom Brady in Super Bowl XXXVIII (and that's not a knock against the game's MVP), but he's clearly not the same guy now. He's probably not any better than backup David Carr at this point.

The Bucs could have as many QBs on their roster as wins (4), and the Falcons have Joey Harrington as their starting QB and the lingering effects of Michael Vick's disgusting acts against them.

On a somewhat side note, I recently finished reading A Confederacy of Dunces (a great read), and I thought that would be a great group name for athletes like Vick and (Ms.) Pacman Jones. For example, "wow did you see that Vick got sentenced to five years in prison and was inducted into the Confederacy of Dunces, NFL version. I think it would be fitting for Vick to have to wear a dunce cap around, and occasionally that same dunce cap would be filled with dog feces first (courtesy of the karma police). And my collection of dunces would also include Leonard Little, who is inexplicably still allowed to play football, even though he is responsible for ending someone's life. How can someone feel right about employing that guy, or rooting for him?

Anyway, now that that tangent is over on to the last remaining division:

NFC West
predicted order:
1. Seattle Seahawks
2. St. Louis Rams
3. San Francisco 49ers
4. Arizona Cardinals

This will be another competitive division. Seattle remains the best of the bunch, St. Louis will benefit from an MVP-type season from Steven Jackson, the Niners will be average. They'll show glimpses of taking it to the next level, but everybodys chic pick will disappoint in the end.

Matt Leinart will put up great numbers, he might even sneak into the Pro Bowl. But that won't translate to wins, the Cardinals are a far cry from USC, sorry.

AFC Wildcard teams:
Ravens
Bills (I couldn't resist, besides they need someone to have a little faith in them, they'll be this year's version of last year's Jets...only a little better)

NFC Wildcard teams:
1. Cowboys
2. Rams

Offensive Rookie of the Year:
Adrian Peterson (Lynch will still have an impressive year but won't take home this prize)

Defensive Rookie of the Year:
Paul Posluszny (he will be a tackling machine and an instant fan favorite)

MVP:
Peyton Manning (a boring pick, but he's too good and the Colts are too good. Plus I would make myself sick to the stomach if I picked Brady here)

Super Bowl: San Diego Chargers over Philadelphia Eagles (the heads of analysts everywhere explodes as Norv Turner does the impossible and gets the better of his coaching counterparts named Belichick, Dungy, Billick, Shanahan and Reid).


No matter what happens on opening Sunday it should be a great day. And even if the Bills lose, at least I can still laugh at the end of the day thanks to another grand return: the return of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

And as Larry David would say, this season should be prettay, prettay, prettay, good.

Ready for some football (and lots of beer too)

My NFL preview has been delayed due to work and lack of time on a computer, however, I haven't forgotten the big game tonight and I'm here to make an educated guess on how the season will start.

This should be a good game between two teams that some people say could meet again at the end of the year in Super Bowl XLII (or Super Bowl 42 to the Willis McGahee's of the world trying to decipher the Roman Numerals).

I'm not one of those people.

In fact, I don't have Indy, New Orleans, New England, Chicago or Dallas going to the Super Bowl. But I'll save my pick for the next column(I'll give hint though, it features a suffering fanbase losing to another to a team that will win their first Super Bowl).

As for tonight, I've got to go with the defending champs, Peyton Manning and the Colts. I was even tempting to pick the Colts as repeat champions, if any team can overcome a loaded conference and questionable defense it's Indy and their affable quarterback.

I think they will demonstrate that the AFC still reigns as the premier conference by defeating a very skilled Saints team. There's no question that the Saints are fun to watch (Brees, Bush, Colston) and easy to root for (everyone will continue to rally around New Orleans). And their coach Sean Payton is a perfect fit for the team, it's certainly an interesting coaching matchup between the offensive scientist Payton and the defensive minded, best-selling author Dungy. While Dungy still has a slight edge (based on experience), I would still take Payton over another sophomore head coach, the over-rated Eric Mangini (and I will forever loathe whoever dubbed him the "Mangenius").

Anyway, only 10 minutes until game time and I still have to run out and by some beer, so my prediction: Colts 28 Saints 22

NFL Preview .... Coming Soon

Thursday marks the beginning of another NFL Season, which means another chance for the Buffalo Bills to shock the world and capture Vince Lombardi's Trophy.

So, am I predicting the unthinkable, do I actually think the rookie-laden squad of young Bills can claim sport's ultimate prize?

Well, I'll disclose that in my NFL Preview, which should be posted sometime before the Colts-Saints kick off the season Thursday night. I'll tell you on thing though, my Super Bowl pick does not include the popular pick of Patriots-Saints, I don't think either will get to the Bowl.

Also included in the preview, I'll put down my guesses for each division, awards, the great teams, the bad teams and the teams that everyone thinks will be good, but will suck.

And of course, there will be bonus material, including the beginning of a new era in Pittsburgh, not the Mike Tomlin era. The Steely McBeam era. Yes, it's true one of the most crazed mascots ever was in existence to make the cut in my mascot column in April, but just look at the picture of this guy. He makes the rabid Spurs mascot look like Mickey Mouse. Furthermore, if Steely becomes the first mascot to go on a murderous Grand Theft Auto type rampage because of his Cowher-esque chin and homoerotic name, then I don't tell you that I didn't warn you.

So make sure to check out the upcoming preview, and remember: if Appalachian St. can beat Michigan in the Big House, then why can't an underdog (like the Bills), win the Super Bowl?

I guess that's why they play the games.

Barry Bonds: MLB Homerun King?

I don't know if it was sheer curiosity or the fact that I for some reason should witness history, but I tuned in tonight to ESPN 2 to watch the Barry Bonds Show (and that's what it is because the Giants and Nats are two putrid teams to watch).

And this is an historic night, either way you look at it. Baseball is driven by the long ball and the homerun record isn't exactly broken every year. Plus, it's a historic night for cheaters as well. I mean, is there anyone out there who thinks Bonds is the true homerun king? That he never used steroids? Even the fans that pack AT&T park every night in San Fran can't be naive enough to think that their hero is a natural specimen. Probably Bonds own family (wife, son, even Godfather Willie Mays) must have their doubts.

I don't want to dwell on these issues (should there be an asterisk, how much has performance-enhancers helped Bonds out,etc.) too much since they've been written about millions of times, instead I want to comment one the spectacle that proceeded Bonds blast off poor Mike Bacsik. Interestingly enough, at the time I was reading a book called Blink by Malcolm Gladwell while I was waiting for Bonds' at bats. The book is about "the power of thinking without thinking," and details the split decisions and initial reactions that we make.
So, I tried to recall the first thing I thought when I saw the ball explode off the bat and Bonds raised his hands triumphantly.

My thoughts were strangely hollow, considering this should have been an epic MLB moment. I was glad it was over with, mainly so the spotlight can turn away from Bonds. I really wished that he would have hit this homer on the road (although everyone knew it would come in San Fran). A road's crowd reaction would have been priceless, a magnified chorus of mixed boos and embarrassed cheers that filled the air in San Diego when Barry tied the record.

After a few minutes of the nauseating firework display and countless shots of Bonds pointing to the sky, I was wishing that ESPN would show the replay of the scrum in the right field bleachers. That was an interesting facet of this story, who managed to wrangle this ball, which was essentially a nicely stitched orb of thousands of dollars, from dozens of other crazed people? What would become of this guy? Oh, and wouldn't it be funny if the person who got this ball was someone who wasn't even a Giants fan, someone who loathed Barry Bonds? Tell me that wouldn't make a great ESPN miniseries in 2017.

I also wish there was a camera in Bud Selig's house to document his reaction. I imagine him in a dark room with the curtains pulled down, empty beer bottles spread across the floor, with him going over how he was going to address the media about this, until he was mumbling to himself like Jack Nicholson is The Shining. Eventually he would fall asleep crying, using the pages from Jose Canseco's newest book as Kleenex.

Sad. But priceless nonetheless (and I think Selig has done a good job, certainly better than Bettman, this is just a tough spot for him to be in).

And what was Hank Aaron doing on the jumbotron congratulating Bonds? He may have figured that one day his record would be broken, but come on, not this way. I would get made if someone beat my high score in Frogger simply because they found a glitch in the game and used that loophole to topple my record, so how could he not be infuriated that this big-headed jerk broke one of the most hallowed records ever by injecting some steroids into his ass?

Furthermore, I could have done without hearing Bonds thank everyone and being cheered like a hero. If I'm a member of the Nationals, then I don't know if I would want Barry to thank me after hitting that ball. As of right now, 1AM Eastern Time, the Nats are winning 8-6, and I would love to see them win this game. Of course, Bonds doesn't care, he decided leaving the game to yet another curtain call is more important then winning.

Putting himself ahead of the team again, what a hero.

While he was thanking everyone, he even mentioned that he would remember this day for the rest of his life. Now, I'm not a fan of the guy and I don't wish him any ill will. But the sad truth is "the rest of his life" may not be that longer. Yeah, Barry, sorry but these things called steroids have some side effects too.

Hopefully, this won't end in anything tragic like that. Hopefully someone like A-Rod, Pujols, Miguel Cabrera or even some unknown prodigy (Ryan Braun?) will someday break the record by using nothing more than a wooden bat and their God-given talent. But for now the record books will state that Barry Lamar Bonds is the home run king. I can't help but wonder why a guy who has the talent to be a first-ballot Hall of Famer without any help (like Bonds), would be compelled to tarnish how he is remembered by messing with steroids. I mean what is better, to be know as one of the all-time great players that can do everything well or as a guy who is known in the record books as the greatest power-hitter but also who's name has become synonymous with cheating?

Now, I read something in the D&C the other day that I liked, it was a quote from a blog and it stated that instead of an asterisk next to the record, there should be a question mark. The symbol that is the very definition of uncertainty and doubt. I like that idea, everywhere that displays the records should always read:

Barry Bonds, All-time Homerun Leader ?

All hail the 'Thurmanator'

"If it is to be, than it's up to me" - Thurman Thomas

Yesterday my all-time favorite NFL player was inducted in to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Thurman Thomas, to me is everything great about the sport and about the Buffalo Bills.

The first NFL game I ever watched was the Greatest Comeback playoff game against gunner Warren Moon and the behemoths dressed in white and powder blue known as the Houston Oilers. Sure, I watched other Bills games before that, my dad is a huge fan too and I remember the jubilation's of the Bills pulverizing the Raiders to reach their first Super Bowl. And I remember the heartbreak having the Vince Lombardi trophy being kicked out of our hands and fall in to the lap of some guy who inexplicably likes to be called Tuna. Still, I was only in Kindergarten for that game, I was in bed long before shoddy tackling and one infamous kick would deflate the spirits of an entire region.

It wasn't until the Bills stunned the Oilers that I really watched a game, and by watched i just don't mean physically watch it (I had done that before), but to pout my heart into the Bills - and become a true fan of the Red, White and Blue team from Orchard Park. I knew all the Bills were - I knew the legendary QB Jim Kelly, his equally legendary back-up Frank Reich, I knew Bruce, Andre, Tasker, Talley, Odoms, I even knew lesser known players like Carwell Gardener who happened to be one of several Bills who came to my tiny school in York, New York to play the faculty in a charity basketball game. And I already knew who my favorite player was - the Thurmanator.

Of course, I didn't even realize how lucky I was to be able to watch the comeback - the game was blacked out locally, but we had a satellite dish and were able to watch it. My Uncle left at half time (only to make a grand reappearance in the 4th after stopping in a gas station and hearing the seemingly miraculous close score). I never stopped watching, I should have given up and went and played with my Ninja Turtles instead or went and played outside. But I couldn't leave, I just couldn't do it, even though the star QB was out and my favorite player was hurt as well. And in the end, myself and the rest of the faithful Bills nation were rewarded (on that day anyway) with a game that is unmatched in the history of football.

Anyway, my point is that when I think about how much i love the NFL and the Bills I think of this great team, their heyday, and I think about Thurman Thomas.

Thomas should have made it to the Hall last year, in his first year of eligibility, yet he was snubbed again. Apparently the voters had stayed up all night watching tapes of the Greatest Comeback and determined that Warren Moon was more worthy. In my book, not many players are more worth than Thomas and I'm not just saying that because I'm not just saying that because I'm a member of Thurmanator fan club (this was a real fan club that I became a member in when I was a kid, I got a autographed picture, an awesome T-shirt that donned his slogan: "If it is to be, than it's up to me", a keychain and a water bottle). In my mind, he ranks with Barry Sanders and Emmitt Smith as the premier ballcarriers of that era.

Watching his highlights this weekend was simply great. This guy could do things that can only be described as awesome. He was as versatile as Jack White and helped to revolutionize the running back position, thus opening the door for talents like Marshall Faulk and LaDanian Tomlinson. Watching the highlight of Thurman slicing through the G-men's defense in Super Bowl XXV was especially moving. It showed the best of this great player and made the "what if..." button in my brain explode. Thomas should have been the MVP of that game, regardless of where that one kick landed.

It wasn't always good for Thurman, he had some moments that were certainly not worthy of his great talent. The lost helmet (which I'm glad he could joke about during his acceptance speech), the Super Bowl fumbles, becoming a Dolphin (If I ever master the art of time travel and I'll make sure this doesn't happen so we can all be spares the image of number 34 in teal and orange).

He was definitely a character, and he learned to love the city of Buffalo. He still bonds with us, the fans, roots for the Sabres and even asked Bills legend Marv Levy to introduce him in Canton. And this got me thinking about another running back with character, something to prove, and the ability to run, catch and block: Marshawn Lynch.

When Thomas was drafted the Bills desperately needed a tailback, and he had a strong rookie campaign that allowed a young team make the playoffs for the first time in seven years and he helped to jumpstart a dynasty. I think I see some parallels with Mr. Lynch. The Bills haven't made the playoffs in seven years and have a young, promising roster that is led by Marv Levy. To imply that Lynch will be as great as the 1991 League MVP is a stretch to say right now, but it's a nice thing to think about. It gives us fans something we always strive for - hope. Hope that out team will someday reach the Ultimate Football Nirvana.

But for now we at least have those proud memories of a team that truly is one of the most remarkable in sporting history, and we can all remember fondly the greatest running back ever to suit up for the Bills - Thermal, the Thurmator, #34 Thurman Thomas.

Late Birthday Wishes

As you may have noticed from the update in my profile, my birthday was Thursday July 19th (gifts can be mailed to my home in Leicester). As I blew out the candles on my cookie cake (a very underrated cake by the way, I made several wishes. Here they are in no particular order:

A championship from one of my favorite teams (Bills, Sabres or Yankees). This one may seem overly obvious and the same exact wish of the entire male population. Nonetheless, I deserve to celebrate a champion. And as much as I love the Yankees, I think I would like to see one of the Buffalo teams break the Championship seal, it's not like the Yanks are exactly setting the baseball world on fire right now anyway, but if Shelley Duncan can continue to bash balls for the bombers... (and I don't mean bash balls in that way, ok Mr. Hardaway?)

So what are the Bills and/or Sabres chances? Well, we're a ways from either season starting, but as of now, I still think the Sabres have the better chance. Barring some key injuries (which I'm certainly not ruling out) the Sabres seem like a definite playoff team, and from there anything can happen.

On the other side of Western New York, the Bills have a young, promising roster. I trust the personnel on this team and I think J.P. Losman will lead Buffalo back to the playoffs. However, it's hard to tell what will happen. I hope it's the Bills year to finally become "that team" that takes he league by surprise with an unexpected run at the Lombardi Trophy, but I cannot say with full confidence that this will happen. As of right now, I'm thinking a 9-7 season and getting edged out of the playoffs on yet another dubious referee decision

Speaking of refs, wish number two: Certain refs change their ways, and stop screwing over the same teams!

It seems useless and cliched to blame refs, and if your team is winning then you won't notice the flaws as much as the losing side (for examples of this turn to page 136 in the Riding the Pine Sporting Dictionary and search the section labeled New England Patriot fans).

Still, a part of me can't help but wonder if some things may not be as they seem. Especially after the Tim Donaghy NBA scandal. Let's just hope this isn't happening in other sports. Because more scandals like this won't just be blackeye to the NBA (or any other league for that matter), it'll be a blinding blow.

My next wish is that all the news stories containing what I like to call "the usual suspects" cease to exist. This includes anything about people like Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson, TO, Barry Bonds, Ron Artest and the new Keyser Soze of the group: Michael Vick.

I'm sick of these people, and I know you are too. The one good thing is that I may have found a way to circumvent all the hoopla around the usual suspects. I've trained my brain so that any time I hear their names coming from my TV, I immediately break out into a non-life threatening seizure. This method isn't perfect, but it's better than the alternative. As a bonus, I can train other people this skill as well, and maybe even learn to detonate the seizures at the sound of Stephen A. Smith's voice as well.

Well, my birthday thread has turned more negative than I would have like, so this will be my last wish, and I'm about 99% sure it will come to fruition. I wish that the Harry Potter series comes to a satisfying conclusion that is equally as magnificent as the rest of the series. I'm cheating on this a little too, because I'm already 500 pages into the final installment and I can say that it has been excellent (tough to even out down just so I can write this).

And if only I had some magic in me too, the rest of my wishes would come true too...

Who's Now? Who Cares

I know there's not a whole lot of exciting stories going on in the sports world right now, but does ESPN really have to stoop this low?

Of course, I'm talking about ESPN's "Who's Now" segment that let's fans decide who is more "now." This is great, I can't even begin to tell you how many nights I've layed awake wondering who would win a "who's Now" poll between Derek Jeter and Sidney Crosby. If it was who's more accomplished Jeter would win easily, and if it's who has a better future, the answer is Crosby. But since it's a poll that makes no sense and instead of having a real meaning has a vague title (like who's now), it's a toss-up. Or merely a pointless popularity contest, another example of ESPN caring more about names and personalities than quality.

Seriously, when this idea was brought up, the person responsible should have been mocked and ridiculed. Instead we have a segment that it seems like everyone hates (except for the good folks in Bristol apparently). I can't think of anyone I know who thinks this thing is good, relevant or even remotely entertaining. It hypes players like Matt Leinart, who if you ask someone like Trey Wingo, is a great NFL quarterback. He might be someday, but he isn't now. He didn't exactly tear up a mediorce division last year, even with a slew of great weapons. And no one in Buffalo can be "Now" because they are cool enough to be in mentioned by the network that employs hip people like John Clayton and Stat Boy.

Anyway, to mock this once solid network, Riding the Pine has come up with a better version of who's now. Here's a sample of the brackets:

David Beckham vs. Harry Potter

Harry doesn't have much time for Quidditch anymore, but he gets a pass because of the whole Voldemort, saving the Wizard World thing. On the other hand, Beckham is another Brit who has been charged with saving something that is going to be difficult to save. I love soccer, always have, and even I don't care about Beckham playing with the L.A. Galaxy. And Beckham could never catch the Golden Snitch over Harry. I'm not sure but they both might have to deal with witches... (at least the witches in Harry's world aren't embarking on a Spice Girls reunion tour). Advantage: Harry Potter

Willis McGahee vs. My Left Nut

Similar personalities, but at least one can shut up and get the job done. Advantage: Not McGahee

Gary Bettman vs. David Stern

The battle to ruin to great leagues is on. But, there's a clear winner here. Stern managed to banish Bettman to hockey where he has promptly destroyed the NHL and has even managed to have a useless lockout and secure television rights with cable channel 69 in Rochester (also known as VS). His next task: promote Barry Melrose to be his right hand man and personal hair stylist. Advantage: Definitely not fans of the NBA or NHL

America's Got Talent vs. Sportscenter

I could go defecate on the stage and I would be demonstrating more talent than some of the people that have actually appeared on this program, where America's talent is judged by a 2/3s British panel. Of course the real paradox here is, how can three people with so little talent (David Hasslehoff, Sharon Osbourne and the British guy with Simon Cowell pictures stuck up his bum) judge others on their talent? The answer: they can't. Another paradox is: how can a show that features "Who's Now," be included on the list for the "Who's Now" competition? The answer is the same way many people feel about this whole Who's Now scam: Who cares. Advantage: anyone who avoids America's Got Talent