Santa Scott presents the Holiday Wishlist

A version of this was originally published on December 6 Volume 6 - Issue 6
With the Holiday season almost here, I decided to address my holiday wish list, and to discuss what some sports figures will be getting for Christmas.
I tried to keep the list realistic (or somewhat realistic). So even though I’d like to see things like the Bills and Sabres winning championships and the Red Sox being relocated to Uzbekistan, I kept them off the list. So, everyone have a merry Christmas, a happy Chanukah, a glorious Kwanzaa, and a rocking Festivus, and enjoy.
-The NFL finally decides to drop the ridiculous “blackout” rule that punishes fans for not buying enough tickets. I love going to the games, but it takes up an entire day. Many people are busy and cannot make that commitment, plus it’s unfair for smaller market teams like Buffalo. For the NFL to punish fans like that makes as much sense as Terrell Owens writing a children’s book about sharing.
-Oh, wait T.O. did write an educational book called Little T Learns to Share. As much as I love the irony of one of the most selfish, egocentric individuals on the planet writing a book about sharing, I hope that no one actually tries to use this to teach some poor kid a lesson (unless that lesson is how to get all your teammates to loathe you). However, I do have a good idea for a sequel, Little T Learns How to Shut Up.
- Michigan – not Florida – faces off against the Buckeyes in the BCS championship game (see last column for details).
-For ESPN, I would give them some alternate programming to replace the spelling bee with. For example, they could have the World Racquetball Championships or something zany like Xtreme Curling (with the stone on fire?), or have Risk, Stratego or Battleship tournaments. Who wouldn’t love that?
-It’s seems like the current punishments for athletes breaking the rules isn’t doing the trick. Just look at Ricky Williams. It doesn’t matter how many times he gets suspended, he’ll always act as if he’s auditioning to be an extra in Half Baked. Instead of any suspensions or fines, guilty players should be sentenced to a number of Zinedine Zidane head-butts.
-This should apply to referees too. They constantly decide the outcome of games and have an annoying tendency of favoring certain teams (cough…New England Patriots, cough… Duke basketball). There should be some sort of repercussions for bad officiating, and I can’t think of a more fitting punishment than having the ref square off against Zidane in a WWF style cage match. It would be better than half of the “reality” shows on TV (I’m looking at you FOX). Some refs, like Ed Hochuli, would put up a good fight too.
For the rest of the wish list, I have a quick list of what’s in Santa’s bag:
-For Fisher sports teams, a few more Empire 8 championships and a sleigh full of wins.
-For Bill Belichick, a bra (or a mansiere if that’s more suitable).
-For the Bills front office, a giant bottle of whiteout to remove O.J. Simpson’s name from the Wall of Fame in Ralph Wilson Stadium.
-For Sabres forward Tim Connolly, a bill of clean health and an elixir to keep him and the rest of the team healthy for the playoffs
-For Brian Moorman, Jason Peters, Nate Clements and possibly Rian Lindell, a deserving trip to Hawaii and the Pro Bowl.
- A scoring title for Carmelo Anthony.
- A muzzle for Michael Irvin and a few other ESPN commentators (booya).
- A pacifier for Sidney Crosby and the entire Carolina Hurricanes team.
- The Whizzinator and a time machine for Shane Merriman and Floyd Landis, so they can go back into time and pass their drug tests.
- A National Championship for the Fisher football team and a new nickname (and defense) for the “beast of the east” Rowan Profs.
- And for all the Riding the Pine readers, an awesome winter break.

A Pistachio National Championship?

A version of this article was orignally published in the Cardinal Courier November 15, Volume 6 - Issue 5

If you look at the College Football schedule it will say that the National Champion will be crowned on Jan. 8 in Glendale, AZ. But, that’s wrong. The National Championship game will be decided on Nov. 18, and the winner of this game better make room in their trophy case because they’ll be adding some hardware.
I’m talking about the Big Ten battle royal between Michigan and Ohio State. This match-up will be bigger and better than the Bowl Championship Game. And I think the winner of this game will be able to survive the seven-week layoff between games and claim the coveted Sears trophy (you know, the cool looking crystal football that’s named after a department store).
Sure, schools like Louisville, Auburn, Florida and a number of others with only one loss have a shot to knock off the winner of the Michigan/Ohio State, but they won’t. And the Championship Game won’t even come close to matching the intensity that these Big Ten foes bring to the table.
For those of you who don’t follow Division I ball, the Michigan/Ohio State rivalry is the equivalent of Fisher vs. Ithaca, with the tradition of a Yankees and Red Sox match-up. Basically, going from Michigan vs. Ohio State to a BCS Game featuring Louisville, is like serving Buttermilk Chicken Ranch sandwiches for lunch and then only having Pistachio ice cream for dessert. No one likes that.
So we know that this will be the best college football game since the Texas/USC title game in January. But who’s going to come out and top – the upstart Wolverines or the favored juggernaut, Ohio State?
Ohio State has been ranked number one all year long and will have the home-field advantage, but Michigan has had a history of dashing the Buckeyes title hopes via an upset. If coach Lloyd Carr and the Wolverines want to pull off the upset then they’ll have to play better than the have in recent years against Ohio State. Buckeyes coach Jim Tressel holds a 4-1 record against his rival from Ann Arbor.
Both teams have plenty of talent and even some Heisman hopefuls. Michigan’s workhorse tailback Mike Hart will look to take some pressure off efficient quarterback Chad Henne and run wild through the Buckeyes defense. A defense that has been dominant despite losing A.J. Hawk, Donte Whitner, Bobby Carpenter and Ashton Youboty to the NFL.
Ohio State is lead by Quarterback and Heisman favorite Troy Smith and the electrifying Ted Ginn Jr. These Buckeyes haven’t run into much trouble this year, but they will have their hands full with Michigan. This will be a bigger test than their early September bout against freshman Colt McCoy and the defending champs Texas.
In the end, I would love to say that the Wolverines are going to win, but I don’t see it happening (especially since their vexing close-call versus Ball State). Ohio State will feed off the energy from their fans and topple the maze and blue, 27-17.
So get excited Buckeye fans, you won’t have to worry about that last game in January because they will have already wrapped up the Sears trophy. And Michigan fans, well, at least you don’t have to eat pistachio ice cream for dessert.

(If you go to St. John Fisher College you will get the pistachio analogy...I hope)

The 2006 Riding the Pine All-Stars: A Tribute to Benchwarmers (and not that crappy movie called benchwarmers)

A version of this article was originally published on November 1, 2006 in the Cardinal Courier Volume 6 - Issue 4.

Today is a great day for anyone who has ever been stuck on the bench for an entire game, wallowing in the stench of sweat and hopelessly taking shots of Gatorade. That’s because today I’m going to present you with the Riding the Pine all-stars: A Tribute to Benchwarmers.
First we start with the captain of the team: Mike Lodish. The former nose tackle of the Buffalo Bills and Denver Broncos never got a lot of recognition and I’m sure he spent a lot of time hanging out with the Jills on the sidelines during game day. But, he is the only player in NFL history to play in 6 different Super Bowls (4 with Buffalo, 2 with Denver). I’d like to see Tom Brady try to top that feat.
Our next all-star is also a former World Champion. I’m talking about the celebrated former big man for the Los Angeles Lakers during their 2000-2002 championship run: Mark “Mad Dog” Madsen. “Mad Dog” (now with Minnesota) just barely beat out former Will Perdue for this spot. To find out why, look no further than YouTube. Just search Madsen’s name and you can witness him perfecting what I like to call the ‘Mad Dog Shuffle” during the Lakers Victory parade. And this comes with the added bonus of freestyle rap courtesy of Shaq.
My all-star squad still needs an owner too, someone to provide some financial support. That’s not too hard to find though, athletes aren’t the only guys who are benchwarmers. There’s also the people who ride the pine of life, and that’s why Al Gore is my team’s owner. Gore waited on the sidelines for 8 years behind Bill Clinton for a chance to become the starter, but when Gore’s chance came up he got Bushed over by George W. and the electoral college.
Every team needs some box office appeal too, which is why LeBron James is on my team. True, James isn’t your typical benchwarmer, but he showed off his exceptional sitting skills right here in Rochester a few weeks ago. James’ Cavaliers were at the Blue Cross Arena for an exhibition game, James only left the bench to stand up and taunt the crowd by pretending he was coming into the game. That shows dedication to the Riding the Pine all-stars, and a true class act. Proud to have you aboard, LeBron.
As for the coach, that’s an easy pick. Any high school coach who keeps their starters in with a minute left in a blowout welcome to the all-stars (and a probable beating in the locker room).
Rounding out the roster: pinch hitter Manny Mota, comeback extraordinaire Frank Reich, Homer Simpson (from the Springfield Power Plant softball team), and former goalie turned G.M. Garth Snow.

The A-Rod Quagmire

Originally Published on October 18, 2006 in the Cardinal Courier Volume 6 - Issue 3

George Steinbrenner can’t be happy.
How could this happen to the Yankees again, did someone promote George Costanza to G.M.?
The ALDS loss to the Tigers was a complete team failure. But, the burden of this loss is going to fall squarely on the person Sports Illustrated recently dubbed “The Lonely Yankee”, Alex Rodriguez.
Dating back to last year’s ALDS against the Angels, A-Rod hasn’t been able to live up to his MVP standards. His numbers this year would be a career year for most Major Leaguers (.290 BA, 35 HR, 121 RBI), but he struggled with 24 errors at third base and has been useless the last two playoff series.
As a result of this, A-Rod has become a $252 million scapegoat. He deserves some criticism, but the media has been bashing him like a piñata, and it’s ready to burst. So, the only remedy for both sides is to trade A-Rod, right?
I may be in the minority here, but I say no.
There’s no doubt that New York has to make some changes but trading A-Rod makes as much sense as firing Joe Torre (which unfortunately might happen).
First of all, there is no way the Yankees can get even close to equal value for A-Rod. I would want any combination of productive pitching arms, an adequate third base replacement and talented prospects. It’s unlikely that a team would give up that much for a player who is considered to be damaged goods.
And there won’t be many suitors that can absorb A-Rod’s massive contract. One of the Los Angeles teams might be a good fit but they wont give up any top players for A-Rod. Trading him to an A.L. team would just help to bolster one of their enemies. Either way, the Yankees would probably end up paying for a large portion of his salary while getting little in return.
Who’s to say that A-Rod’s replacement will be any more clutch? Remember 2B Alfonso Soriano, the man that was dealt to acquire A-Rod in the first place? Soriano was a strikeout machine in the 2003 playoffs and he was bounced around the line-up in a similar way that A-Rod has been.
There are many other Yankees who I would get rid of before A-Rod, including nearly all of their recent free-agent busts. This includes the dynamic duo of Carl Pavano and Jaret Wright. I would also part ways with an aging Gary Sheffield before A-Rod.
And if A-Rod can turn it around and play to his potential, the fans in New York will quickly turn those boos back into cheers (just like they did for Jason Giambi in 2005). It will also fix exaggerated claims of bad team chemistry.
This is by no means is an excuse for A-Rod’s prolonged slump. He has frustrated myself along with a legion of Yankees fans. I don’t know how to help him to play like a Yankee legend; maybe he can grow a Don Mattingly mustache or douse himself in Derek Jeter cologne.
Either way, the Yankees made their commitment with A-Rod when they traded for him and they have to stick with that decision. For better, or for worse.

getting slugged

Orginally Published October 4, 2006 in Cardinal Courier Voulme 6 - issue 2

What is that?
It’s been referred to as a golden slug, and it looks like something that belongs on the head of Donald Trump or Barney Rubble. It’s about as intimidating as a grandmother’s slap shot and by the way, it’s the centerpiece of the Buffalo Sabres’ new look.
Maybe they thought it would be too easy to go back to the original jerseys featuring the blue and gold logo. After all, that’s what most fans wanted. But why waste an opportunity to swipe some more cash from the fans. By inserting the original 1970s logo on the seldom-used “third jersey” they can make more money than if they simply reverted back to the traditional jerseys.
I’m fine with a new logo, I really am, but is this the best design that a group of paid professionals could come up with?
I understand that this is the NHL and not Project Runway, but these jerseys represent more than just the Buffalo Sabres. They represent an entire blue-collar fan base, an entire city desperate for a champion, and these jerseys do not live up to that. These things should have been the first draft, not the final product.
There are 3 essential things that make up a good jersey. There must be at least a somewhat intimidating logo, or something that’s so cool that it doesn’t need intimidation (like the Bills standing buffalo logo). You want to avoid any cuteness in the logo too. If you hear someone say “aaah, what an adorable dolphin on that helmet,” then you know that team cannot be taken seriously.
A jersey also needs a good color scheme. Red, white, and blue is always classic, the blue and gold of Sabres past logo is also a good look.
These new jerseys don’t have a bad color scheme. You’ll especially like the colors if you’re a Pittsburgh Penguins fan, that’s because these jerseys look exactly like the Penguins’!
The third thing that a good jersey needs is that it has to represent your team well. For instance, if you’re the Tigers then there will be a tiger in your logo. And if a team is called the Sabres, it would be nice to have some sort of sword in the logo, or just rename all Buffalo teams to the Buffalo Buffaloes.
It’s not just the Sabres that have messed up a new logo though. Teams in every sport are ditching classic jerseys for over-complicated messes that belong in the XFL. It’s as if the marketing department of all sporting leagues are in on a giant practical joke to see how ridiculous they can make our favorite teams look.
Next thing you know, the Packers new logo will feature an over-sized wheel of cheese with shifty eyes and scowling grimace. Or maybe the Montreal Canadiens will unveil their new ice-skating Mountie logo.
As for the Sabres, they’ll open up the season tonight in Carolina. It’s just too bad that their jerseys will have people asking, “What is that?”

Forecast 2006

Riding the Pine Note: The following was written in September, Look for new Riding the Pine posts soon

If you plan on heading to Vegas anytime before the end of the year, make sure you read this first. That’s because I’m going to give you my surefire predictions from now until January 1st.
- October will generate a number of fall classics, along with a few surprises. The Detroit Tigers will be the 2006 version of last year’s champion, the Chicago White Sox. They’ll weather a tough stretch at the end of the season but still fight of the Twins and White Sox for the AL Central Crown. They won’t stop there.
Strong pitching, led by rookie Justin Verlander, a solid line-up and savvy manager Jim Leyland will help them to edge out the New York Yankees, and AL MVP Derek Jeter, in a historic seven game ALCS (no bias here, I’m a Yankees fan).
The Mets will cruise threw the National League as expected. But with their chances of winning a subway series dashed the Mets will fall victim to the upstart Tigers. (And Detroit fans can temporarily forget the ineptitude of the Lions, and the postseason collapse of the Red Wings and Pistons.)
- The Buffalo Bills will exceed preseason expectations, finishing with a respectable 8-8 record. However, they’ll lose several close games as the result of bizarre officiating decisions. Meanwhile, The Philadelphia Eagles will be the biggest surprise in the NFL. The Eagles will win the NFC East, but they’re not invincible and won’t advance far in the postseason.
- Barry Bonds and Terrell Owens will team together and form their own cable station where they talk about Bonds and Owens 24/7. They will call it ESPN.
- The Buffalo Sabres will overcome an average start and have one of the top records in the NHL before the all-star break.
- People will tune into NASCAR to see where Ricky Bobby resides in the standings.
- Ohio State and Auburn will battle for college supremacy in the BCS Championship Game. The game will feature Heisman winner Troy Smith, but it won’t be the spectacle that last year’s USC/Texas game was.
- Emmitt Smith will fulfill his life long dream of competing on Dancing With The Stars, but ultimately he will fumble away the title of dancing champion to A.C. Slater. Luckily for Emmitt this will open the door for him to appear in other reality programs such as Laguna Beach and Nanny 911.
- Roger Federer will continue to dominate men’s tennis, and Maria Sharapova will continue to make all her matches a must-see event.
- Scott Pukos will win the title of St. John Fisher racquetball champion; unfortunately, he will later be stripped of the title after it’s discovered that he attended a luncheon held by Floyd Landis and Marion Jones

Originally Published in the Cardinal Courier Volume 6 Issue 1 - September 20, 2006